Happy New Year

2007 will always be a very special year for me, because it’s the year i became my Master’s submissive. it’s nothing that i ever would have predicted on New Year’s Day last year, but it has made me so happy and so fulfilled, and deepened my love for Him more than i imagined was possible. So thank You for a wonderful year, Sir.

Some highlights:

April: We begin, and i learn to love pointy shoes.

May: He gives me the first version of my rules, and writes me the hottest thing i’ve ever read.

June: i meditate on my submission.

July: i realize i’m still holding onto illusions of control and have a profound moment of submission. i feel like a fuck up, but my Master still loves me.

August: i celebrate butt plug day, sing odes to bondage, and get the current version of my rules. Master still loves me, and tells me as only He can. i become a small letter person and think about all that means.

September: i fantasize about sex in sleazy bar bathrooms and think about the D/s arms race. i count down the days to our visit, meet Him on my knees in the airport, and become His piss slut in reality.

October: It’s unseasonably warm, and i try to cool off by fantasizing about ice. It’s a stressful month for us, but i express my need, want and love.

November: Our next visit starts slowly. i win an erotic short story contest, and fantasize about spanking.

December: After a couple very stressful months, i am scared to give myself fully into my submission. But i do it anyway, and remember all that i am missing when an accidental orgasm leads to days of debauchery. My master stops in the middle of fucking me so He can take this picture:

A toast to absent friends

This New Year’s Eve, i’d like to raise a glass of champagne to some great bloggers who are no longer gracing us with their words.

Brooke of Puppy Tales
Brooke was one of my very first readers and commenters. i was awestruck by her blog, how evocative her writing was, how truthful and honest her subject matter. And how devious her Dom. 🙂 i was completely honored when she chose to promote Long-Distance Sub not once, but twice in blog posts, and that definitely helped me attract more readers. i don’t know if you’re still reading, Brooke, but thank you for everything – i think of you every time i have permission to read blogs, because without you at the top of my list, i have to think about where to start.

The English Gentleman, Roper
Many of my first submissive fantasies were inspired by the Vignettes and Snapshots that Roper posted to his blog. i was always amazed at how well he understood a submissive women’s mind. His posts were always titillating or thought-provoking, and often both combined into one. And his Dominant male voice so rare in the sea of submissive women bloggers. i am fortunate to still have the English Gentleman as a friend and correspondent, but the hole left by his absent blog is a very large one.

Married Man’s Fucktoy
The most recent disappearance, i have seen “untitled” (formerly DL’s Toy) posting on a few blogs, and am assured that she is still well. i have to admit that i didn’t read her blog that often – her scenes were dark, and her fantasies even darker, and not always to my tastes. But i respected her honesty and willingness to admit to what she wanted, and her devotion and her submission. i wish you the brightest and happiest future, “untitled,” filled with all the pain and objectification and humiliation you could ask for. i hope we see you blogging again someday.

Richard and Amy of 24/7
It’s been over a month without a post from this amazing couple, although their website is still up. i hope their voices will return to us – the he said/she said blog postings by two excellent writers are so valuable in helping Doms and subs understand what goes on in each other’s minds. And the love that goes hand in hand with their D/s is beautiful to see. As is Amy, captured by Richard’s photographer’s eye. Please come back.

i miss you all.

By special request

A fan reminded me that it’s been a long time since i posted a picture, so here’s one for him. You know who you are…

Body Betrayal, Part 3

(Read Part 1 and Part 2)

This series is called Body Betrayal, and my day of utter debauchery had started when, the night before, my body had betrayed me with a surprise orgasm. Late at night after that day of debauchery, my body betrayed me again with another unexpected and unsolicited orgasm. But perhaps it was inevitable, given the evening i had…

***

Home, dinner with my family, got my son to bed. All the while wearing panties damp with my own piss and the cunt juices that continued to trickle from my hungry hole.

My Master had greatly enjoyed hearing about me sucking the piss out of my panties, and told me to do it again and this time to take pictures of myself to send to Him. i put my butt plug back in, drank water, read sex blogs and played with my nipples, and when the tension of my need to pee became inseparable from my sexual tension, i went into the bathroom. i sat on the toilet, rubbing my nipples and pissing through that same set of panties, then took a series of pictures of myself licking and sucking my piss and juices from them. When i finished, i took off the panties, balled them up and put them in my mouth, keeping them there until i finished uploading all the pictures and sending them to my Master. Panties in my mouth, butt plug in my ass, only my cunt was empty, and i was suddenly overcome with desire to stuff those panties up my cunt. i SMS’d Master for permission, and He gave it to me.

The panties were sopping wet from piss and saliva. My cunt was sopping wet too, and it took no effort at all to push that g-string up into my cunt. i left a little string poking out and took a picture to send to my Master. it was getting late by this time, and i kept the panties in my cunt as i moved around the house gathering up my toys and tidying a little before going upstairs to bed. Every step squeezed moisture from the panties and sent it running down my legs.

i was still wearing my big butt plug. i’d had it in most of the day and it was glorious. In fact, what had once seemed like such a big plug and such effort to use now seemed too small. i had told Master that earlier in the day and He had promised/threatened me with a larger one, a thought that pushed my arousal even further. i do have one toy that is bigger than that plug, and it is the big purple dildo that is my favorite to masturbate with.

i texted my Master, begging His permission to try to fuck my ass with that dildo. i wasn’t sure i could do it – it’s actually a little bigger than His cock, which i have yet to take in my ass, and it seemed ambitious. But i was needing and craving to feel fuller there, so i was thrilled when my Master gave me permission to do so.

But first i went to the bathroom to piss once again, with the panties still in my cunt. When i was finished, i slowly pulled the panties out of my cunt, savoring every inch and the shivers of sensation it sent through my body. Then i stuffed those sopping wet panties in my mouth again, savoring the sweet sour musky flavor of my cunt juices for a while, then rinsing them out and throwing them into the hamper.

My ass was tingling in time to my cunt in anticipation of the big event. i knelt next to the bed and took the butt plug out. i lubed up my purple dildo and reached behind me. i prepared myself for some pain, but there was only the mildest stretching sensation and the dildo slid right into my ass. “So fucking good” i texted to my Master. i put a pillow under my ass to hold the dildo in place, and fucked my ass with it by moving my ass up and down while playing with my nipples.

i reached into my drawer and pulled out a pair of clothepins, clamping one onto each nipple. i was so aroused and so high from my arousal that they barely hurt going on. And i wanted them to hurt, wanted that pain to mingle with my pleasure and the agony of my arousal. So i set out to leave them there long enough that they would hurt. i knelt and fantasized about my Master’s upcoming visit, and imagined Him doing all of these things – and worse – to me. It hadn’t been long enough yet, when another thought occurred to me. The perfect way to pass the time waiting for my nipples to go numb under the clothespins was… to put on more clothespins. So i did, adding another 5 to each breast and taking a picture and sending it to my Master when i was done.

i took the clothespins off in the reverse order of putting them on, so the pain intensified with each pair. My nipples were last, and i inhaled sharply and moaned when they came off, and immediately started rubbing them to intensify the pain of the blood coming back in. All while i was fucking myself with the dildo in my ass.

Completely spent, i put the clothespins away and went into the bathroom to take the dildo out and clean up. i was completely high and shaking from the endorphins and my arousal. i made it it back to the bedroom and collapsed into bed, then pulled myself to kneeling to meditate for my Master. i felt every inch of my body filled with my submission, and the knowledge that my sluttiness and degradation and desperation would please Him very much.

And then i tried to sleep. But i couldn’t really, and when late at night i found myself awake, i decided that i should continue to tease and torment myself for my Master. i was lying on my side, thighs together, hips rocking as i rubbed my nipples. i had time to think “i should probably stop doing…” when – damn it all – another unplanned orgasm took over my body.

***

i was so angry at myself for allowing this to happen. it’s going to be a very long time before my next orgasm, i know. And the regret i’m feeling about it now is going to pale in comparison to the regret i’m going to feel when my Master is through with me. i don’t know yet what my punishment will be, but i’m already dreading it. While at the same time looking forward to it as an opportunity for forgiveness and absolution.

Body Betrayal, Part 2

(Read Part 1)

i sent off my morning email to my Master, admitting my mistake, and begging for his forgiveness and correction. His response put a flicker of fear into my heart.

I’ll work on your punishment later, but this was the last orgasm you’ll be allowed to have this year.
Touch yourself and make sure you’re still wet.

The flicker, of course, from that first line – this aroused, and no orgasm for at least 5 days? And that’s NOT my punishment? Oh boy.

i was still wet, of course. Dripping wet. Wet as i dressed for Master, choosing clothes that would make for a particularly nice photo session for Him, including a sheer black g-string and matching bra. Wet as i gathered up my butt plug and lube, and ankle cuffs and a clip to bind my legs together. Wet and fantasizing all manners of use and abuse during my drive to the office.

Once there, He had me start with my little butt plug. This one is so small that i mostly just find it annoying – it slips out, and bends, and just doesn’t do much of interest. But after wearing it for a half hour i was allowed to put in my larger plug, something i had been craving for a couple of days. Ahhh…. lovely.

My Master teased and taunted me all day long – making me check my wetness regularly then reminding me constantly that i wouldn’t be able to come until the new year. Having me rub my nipples, and take and send lots of pictures – all things guaranteed to keep me in a high state of arousal.

Even though it’s not usually required, that day i felt like i needed to ask Him for permission to use the bathroom. i am His piss slut, after all. He gave it, reminding me to listen to my heels clicking on the floor as i walked there, their clicks calling me “slut, slut, slut.” In the bathroom i peed for Him, remembering that i am His piss slut. My panties were soaked with my cunt juices, and their glistening on the fabric was too much for me. i finished peeing, and leaned over, pulled the panties to my mouth, and licked off those delicious juices.

And so the day went on. i don’t know what had come over me, but i was utterly possessed by a wanton, horny, dirty slut. i begged to do things i had only previously imagined – some that i had never even imagined before. A conversation about His intention to someday have me piss my pants led to me suggesting that these sheer panties i was wearing wouldn’t hold much liquid, and i could probably pee right through them without any wetness coming through my pants afterwards. And then begging him to let me do that.

in the bathroom, i pulled my pants down, leaving my panties on. i played with my nipples as i peed my panties, feeling the wetness gather in the panties before spilling over. i was incredibly aroused, and when i finished peeing, i pulled my panties down, leaned over, and sucked my piss from the crotch, the taste of it mingling with the taste of my cunt juices.

i pulled my damp panties back up, and then my jeans over them, the dampness against my crotch reminding me of what i am – a horny slut who is submissive, wet, and eager to please her Master. A horny slut looking forward to a rare private evening at home, with lots of time for her Master to play with her.

(Read Part 3)

Fair Warning

If reading about piss play turns you off, you might want to find another blog to read for a little while, as such activities will feature prominently in my blog posts over the next little while… My Master finds endless amusement in His success at having implanted me with this little fetish, and He’s pushing those buttons very strongly right now in preparation for an upcoming visit.

My relationship to this “little fetish” is complicated. When i think about what i’ve done – not just because i’ve been ordered to, but things i’ve actually begged to do of my own volition – i feel a little disgusted by myself. Even more so when i remember how turned on it made me to do them. it feels humiliating, and degrading, maybe even a little sub-human.

But in the moment, it doesn’t feel that way. In the moment, catering to my Master’s whims, it doesn’t feel disgusting. It feels like love, and devotion, and obedience. It feels right, and perhaps even a little beautiful.

My Master assures me that He will love me no matter how disgusting He makes me. The complexities bound up in that sentence frighten me a little right now, but i am forging bravely forward, putting my trust in Him and believing what He says.

Body Betrayal, Part 1

Christmas night my Master and i were constantly missing each other in email and SMS, and i ended up going to bed without any instructions. For whatever reason – finding my submission again, where i am in my cycle, having free rein to read sex blogs – i was very very aroused that day. My rules say that if i have no instructions i may masturbate, but not come. i never take advantage of that rule, because why on earth would i want to torture myself? But that night it seemed like a good idea – i wanted to feel the need and desire that comes with submitting to my Master. So i knelt and rubbed my nipples, fantasizing about the time i was instructed to masturbate using only my upper body, and how i nearly came just from that.

My cunt was getting slippery, and i wanted to see how slippery, so i took my new-ish glass toy from the drawer and slid it right into my cunt. Oh yes, definitely very slippery. i thought this toy would be pretty safe to use, because i’ve found i have to work quite hard to come with it. Ahem – not this night, apparently. On my knees, it cupped itself perfectly around my pubic mound, with one ball outside on my clit, and the other inside on my g-spot. Just a couple of thrusts and i found myself approaching the edge.

i should have stopped then. But i was enjoying the sensations of my arousal so much, that i decided i would instead just slide down onto my stomach and lie still with it inside of me. But just the weight of my body against the toy (and, okay, some involuntary movement from my hips) was enough to get me right to the edge. i stopped moving, reached down between my legs, and… the very act of pulling out the wand was enough to trigger an orgasm.

i tried to clamp down and stop it, and at first i thought i might have. But then small slow waves of contractions spread out from deep inside of me – a very different orgasm than i usually have, but an orgasm nonetheless. Not a very satisfying one – i was still outrageously horny – but completely against the rules in any case.

i was instantly contrite and regretful, but it was far too late for that do any good. i finished my nightly kneeling and meditation and tried to sleep. But it was a very restless night. When i did sleep, my dreams were filled with my Master and with sex. When i was awake, my cunt cried for my attention and begged me to touch it. Finally, it drove me from bed.

Writing about all of this to my Master the next morning, my cunt was still electrified, so wet my juices were dripping down my thighs. This did not bode well for a day when i had already begged for and been instructed to wear my big butt plug to work.

(Read Part 2)

Focus

When i think about myself, my wants and needs, i flounder and flail. It all seems impossible. i question my choice, question my submission, question this path. But when i turn my mind to You, when i turn my mind to obedience and acceptance and devotion to Your needs, then i find calm and peace and ease. My decision has already been made, now all i need to do is to obey. When i try to influence my submission, drive it to meet my needs and wants, then i grab at control, and although it is hard for me to give up control, i am always happier when i do. The times that You have pushed me hard, pushed at my limits, at my edges, forced me to do and say things that are hard for me, things that i do not want, things that are to meet Your needs and Your wants – those have been the times when i have most felt my submission, most felt the peace and beauty and calm. Maybe not in the moment, but afterwards, when i feel so much closer to You and so much more transformed by You.

Gun Shy

At the end of September, my Master and i had an absolutely extraordinary visit. It had been a long time since we’d seen each other, but during that time we’d had ample opportunity to build up and prepare for our visit. i was deep, deep into my submission, and He into his dominance, and the translation of that to our in-person time was profound and fulfilling for both of us.

And then came the fall. Things came crashing down. His life, His other, His primary relationship intervened. The nature of our communication changed. The nature of our connection changed, forced into retreat so that it didn’t have to disappear altogether. For a time it had seemed like anything was possible, and now i feared that nothing was. A lot of it came on suddenly, and it was stressful and difficult for both of us. But gradually we adapted. i adapted. Pulled back, distanced myself, shielded and protected myself from the fear of pain and further loss. i still submitted, but not as fully, not as completely – He couldn’t demand it from me while running triage on his primary relationship, and i can only give what He is able to take.

Time passes, things ease, and He is once again able to call for my complete submission. i begin to give it, but all i can see is the pain. I had forgotten the lows that come with the highs of my submission – now that He is making demands of me again, i can and do disappoint Him, and feel the crushing pain of causing Him that disappointment. And underneath it all is the pain of giving myself to Him so completely, loving Him so completely – but knowing that we will never have all we want.

i know there is joy here too, and peace and calm and fulfillment and pleasure. i know that having what we have is immeasurably better than having nothing at all. i begin to feel that again, and i want to feel it more. But to get there, i have to let go. i have to give up control, again. And i am finding that doing it this second time around is even harder than the first. i am gun shy.

But my Master is patient, and gentle. And also persistent. He is not going to let me slip away, or give anything less than what He needs to take and what i need to give. So i listen to and obey his instructions – to feel what i am feeling, but then to let it go. To notice that i am clinging to control, and then to give it up. To acknowledge my fear, but do it anyway.

i had a little breakthrough last night, spurred by a day of blog reading (so thank you all, meg and PixiePie and Gray Lily particularly). Seeing my submission reflected in others, i finally was able to re-recognize my own need to be used and controlled and forced to submit. i remembered that i exist for Him, and that my submission is about fulfilling His needs, not my own. Today i have more peace and less pain, and i look forward to pleasing my Master in whatever way He asks of me.

Coming back

It’s been a while since i posted here, but i hope to be returning more regularly. It’s been a difficult couple of months, and the intensity of our D/s interaction has been waning somewhat. We’re still together, still very much in love, but both just very, very busy. There hasn’t been much “postworthy” to write about, and no time to do it when there has been.

But finally things are starting to come back around, as our own lives and emotional ups and downs are letting us focus on each other again. i hadn’t realized how much i missed that feeling of being owned and of truly submitting until i started feeling it again and recognized its absence from my life the past few weeks. Hadn’t realized that i’d been holding back until i stopped and began giving myself completely again.

To make up for my long absence, here’s the picture i promised in my last post before i disappeared! This is actually from the second caning session of that weekend – the lines are less distinct, but i liked the picture better because my panties are cuter. 🙂

Mmmm…. canes. i’m not sure when i’m going to be seeing my Master next (sometime in January, i hope), but i’m surprised at how badly i want and need to feel that again.