Archive for October, 2007

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Need, Want, Love

October 26, 2007

“Tell me how much you need me.”

i need You like a plant needs water.

i’ve said it before, but it’s true. i can survive for a time without You, but i get all droopy. Left long enough, my edges start getting all brown and crackly. It’s not a pretty picture. You come along, and You’re like rain, and i feel myself growing, filling out, and flowering.

“Tell me how much you want me.”

i want You with a constant quiet want that occasionally flares up into a desperate desire for immediate gratification. i want You in every moment of my day, in every thing i experience. i want to live for You and with You. i want to be Yours in every way.

“Tell me how much you love me.”

i love You with all my heart. i love You more than anything. i love You with a love that’s astounding in its breadth and depth and intensity. i love You every minute of every day, with every cell of my being.

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Weekend afternoons are for masturbation

October 21, 2007

i like to masturbate. No surprise there. But i’ve never been as avid an ethusiast as some subs i read about. Before i become a collared submissive, i would give myself a lazy vibrator orgasm at bedtime most nights to help me relax and slip off to sleep. But it wasn’t uncommon for me to skip days, or even go a week or more without bothering. During my period, i might sneak in a quick one in the morning to help with the cramps. My masturbation was largely functional.

Weekend afternoons were the one time where i would indulge. Not all the time, but sometimes. I’d go upstairs for a nap and some self-loving. Weekend afternoons, i’d take my time or read some porn or try out an neglected toy. You know – make a special occasion out of it.

In general, my masturbation become much more interesting after my Master became my Master. He cut me off from my vibrator, which was a good thing, as i had become rather dependent, and now i can come in many more different ways than i could before. Plus, i’ve always been fantasy deficient – i didn’t fantasize when i masturbated, i just thought about what i was feeling and doing. He’s helped me learn to fantasize and planted the seeds of lots of hot things to think about. And, because i have to write to Him describing my masturbation sessions in detail, i’ve tended to be more creative and use more toys or different positions.

However, His rules for me only allow me to masturbate or orgasm with His permission. And i can’t even ask for permission to masturbate. My masturbation has really become entirely in His service, and not to do with myself at all. But along with these restrictions came nightly rituals. Sometimes there are masturbation related instructions, like to orgasm to a certain fantasy, or with a certain object, or to masturbate but not orgasm. And always there is my nightly meditation on my submission. And those nightly rituals filled the gap that was left by losing my nightly masturbation habit, and i don’t often miss it, or long for an orgasm for my own sake.

But weekend afternoons are different. i do miss the freedom to masturbate then. i recognize the void because there’s no explicit service to my Master to replace it.

i’ve noticed this for a couple of weeks now, and thinking about it this morning, i asked my Master for a task to do this afternoon. He gave me a variety of things to do for Him, including masturbating and coming to the fantasy of serving as His piss slut, which was an absolutely lovely way to spend some time with myself this afternoon. (And killed two birds with one stone, since i’m having a unpleasant and painful period right now too, and orgasm helps a lot.) Thank You, Sir!

Anyone else have a favorite time to masturbate? Or thoughts to share on how your submission has changed your perspective on masturbation and/or orgasm?

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Leg Binding

October 19, 2007
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i spent most of my day at work today with my legs bound under my desk. Not nearly so beautifully as in the above picture (taken during my last visit with my Master), but bound all the same. Things have been stressful in our lives lately – our bond is as strong as ever, but there are lots of external challenges that have made it difficult to live our D/s relationship to its fullest. But we will be seeing each other again in two weeks, so my Master has started increasing His control over me, and making me more aware of and focused on my submission.

Today that meant binding my legs with a stretchy headband i keep in my purse for just that purpose. Every time i needed to get up – to go to the bathroom, out to pickup lunch, or leave my office for a meeting – i needed to SMS Him for permission to release my legs. Keeping my legs tightly together always makes me a little bit aroused from the pounding of my pulse in my clit. And every time i got up, i would feel the tightness in my leg muscles, and know that i felt that because i was obeying my Master, and only got this chance to stretch because it pleased Him that i should do so. Every time He allowed me to get up, He would remind me to listen to my heels as i walked, to hear their clicking naming me as His sub and slave.

It was lovely. i had an increased sense of awareness of my place, and a lovely underlying current of submission that ran through my entire day, helping me feel more centered, more focused, more owned. Which is very much what i need to feel right now.

Thank You, Sir.

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Further training of a piss slut

October 15, 2007

As i said in my post about becoming my Master’s piss slut, this wasn’t just a one-time thing. It continued throughout the visit.

The thing that really freaked me out is that after the first time, it remained this very potent fantasy for me. In my pre-reality imaginings, it had been tasteless and odorless, erotic and fulfilling. Reality was different (as i knew it must be). But He’d done such a good job of fetishizing this for me, of driving it deep into my brain, that i found myself returning to the fantasy over and over again as he fucked me. And that was just really disturbing if i thought about it too much.

The second time was later that same day, in the shower. i knelt on the hard tile floor, knees aching, as He pissed on my face and in my mouth. i couldn’t bring myself to swallow, and just let the piss drain out of my mouth. If He noticed i wasn’t swallowing, He didn’t mention it, for which i was very grateful. But i needed Him to do it again. If He’d stopped, after my meltdown, after my telling Him how freaked out i was by my fantasy, i would have felt that i’d failed. Instead, He reinforced the lesson, reinforced my place and my status.

i’ve written about the third time, when – after i’d served as His table – He pissed on me in the bathtub and ordered me to stay there until He was gone, wet and shaking, piss in my hair and all over me. (As i discovered as i stumbled into the shower stall, piss in the eyes stings!) He knew that by this point, i would not be horribly traumatized by it like i was the day before, that being used and left would be good for me. And He was right. i felt very owned, and very submissive.

Gradually, i grew more and more comfortable. He only pissed on me once the next day, and it made me sad when He would choose to use the toilet instead of me. i took to kneeling outside the bathroom door while He did it, and begging Him to let me clean it off afterwards. My feelings were completely in a whirlwind – at once disappointed, but also relieved, because it was so hard. But my need to be used, to be of service, to please my Master was overriding my own self-interest.

He grew more comfortable too. Early in the week, it had been difficult for Him to pee on me – a combination, i think, of the taboo nature of the act and the fact that there is an essential paradox in piss play. Which is that if it makes you too aroused, too hard, then You can’t do it! This was good – if i’d had to bear the full brunt on that first or even second attempt, i don’t know that i could have coped. But by the end of our time together, it became easier for Him too.

Our last morning i knelt once again for Him the shower stall, and He coated me with His piss. He ordered me to open my mouth, and i did. Once again, i tried my trick of letting the piss pool up and just spitting or dripping it out, but this time there was no getting away with that. On his command, i closed my lips around His cock, and drank from Him. Afterwards i enjoyed His hands on me, and His words of “good girl,” always so thrilling to me.

As a postscript, i wanted to say that, in this as in all other things, my Master was supremely caring and loving. He usually takes a complicated vitamin regimen daily, and He told me during our visit that He’d stopped taking them 4 days beforehand so that i wouldn’t have to cope with even nastier taste and high acidity from Vitamin C! Also, after the very first time, when I couldn’t find my toothbrush anywhere, He let me use His to clean my mouth out. If that isn’t proof that He loves me, then i don’t know what is.

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Pretty picture, pretty paragraph

October 12, 2007
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i love You completely and utterly. You infuse my every thought, every minute of my day. Your love for me and my love for You fills me, and fulfills me. i’m never happier than when i am making You happy – Your pleasure is vital to my own. i want and need to give You my whole self, and watch as You return it to me remade.

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Another snippet and another picture

October 11, 2007
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We’re out for another dinner, and having our usual problem with not being able to sit across from each other. Between courses He slides over to the banquette i’m sitting on for a kiss and a snuggle, sometimes sliding His hand up my thigh and under my skirt to the stocking tops and beyond. Dessert comes, and He’s still on my side of the table, so they just serve it to both of us there. Both desserts are excellent, but His is better than mine, and when it comes time to swap, He is reluctant. i insist, and dig in, commenting “You can only take this Dom thing so far, You know.” Whereupon He takes His back, and i realize that i am oh-so-wrong.

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A snippet and a picture

October 10, 2007
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i’m lying on the couch and He’s fucking me. i’m wearing fishnet stockings and my collar, maybe wrists and ankle cuffs, and nothing else. My legs are up over his shoulder and i’m blissing out on the feeling of him inside of me. Suddenly He slaps me across the face and barks “Why aren’t you wearing your fucking shoes?” He slaps my face again, several times, and then i run off to get them so He will fuck me again.