Archive for January, 2008

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Being of good use

January 30, 2008

i went upstairs and got ready for bed, then crawled under my sheets and knelt. i thought some more about this question of my place, and finding it and feeling it, but my thoughts on the subject are still pretty foggy. as i began playing with my nipples i thought about Your earlier email, and about You using my mouth for Your pleasure. i imagined me giving You a blowjob right there on the plane, and that was certainly very hot. i thought more generally about You using me, and revisited the idea You had put out before, that next time perhaps You wouldn’t permit me to orgasm at all when we visit, and thereby take that pressure off the table. That thought was at once arousing and relieving, and i began to think some more about being solely for Your use, with no concern for my own wants.

Still on my knees, i reached a hand down and began to rub my clit, as i imagined a situation where i was forbidden to speak as You used my body. i could moan and gasp and cry out all i wanted, but i couldn’t speak, and You would slap my face if i did. i imagined You fucking all my holes, playing with my body, binding me any way You wished, ordering me to please You. i would be active with my body and my mind, but not with my words.

i flipped onto my back and continued to rub my clit and think about this fantasy. About being forbidden to ask for permission, so there would be no question of me requesting an orgasm. Or requesting or suggesting anything at all. i would really just be for Your use, in every way and any way You wanted. In my imaginings, this felt so completely and fully submissive, and was incredibly arousing.

i had continued to rub my clit and one of my nipples while i fantasized, and suddenly a sense of urgency came over me as an orgasm approached. For all my thoughts of silence, i found myself crying out as my thoughts turned to being Your piss slut and i repeated over and over, “Please Sir, please piss in Your slavegirl’s mouth.” Every recitation of that phrase drove me one step forward, and at last i begged You for permission to give You my orgasm, to come for You, and i did, long and hard and submissively, with the imagined taste of Your piss in my mouth.

After i had recovered, i knelt a little longer, thinking once again of that fantasy, and how powerful i had found it. Checking in on my orgasm and making sure that my mind had been in the right place when i came, and that i was truly doing this in service to You, and not for my own desires. Confirming that yes, i felt that i had, i kissed Your bracelet and drifted off to sleep.

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Normal Time

January 28, 2008

My Master asked me to write to Him about what “normal time” would look like for us. We don’t get normal time – we just get visit time, and it’s never long enough for us to remember that it’s almost over. So this is a little piece of what i think everyday submission would look like, if we had everyday.[1]

You’re working, at Your desk or on the couch. i’m on the floor next to You, wearing something cute and sexy, with my ankles and wrist cuffs and collar on. My leash is attached to my collar, and looped around Your wrist or hanging off the back of the chair. i’m reading a book, or working on my computer, or something like that, as You do the same. Just a Master and His slavegirl, finally never having to stop touching each other. Of course sometimes You let me off the leash – when You have to go out, i have to go to the bathroom, something needs to be done around the house, or You want to pose me fetchingly across the room. But most often i’m within leash length, and we both feel happiest then.

[1] i don’t know why we torture ourselves thinking about these impossible scenarios. But mine is not to question, only to obey and please my Master by doing so. And it certainly was a lovely thing to fantasize about for a little while…

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Is Statements

January 26, 2008

Tuesday night was a rough night for me. i was just in a down mood, and a phone conversation with my Master didn’t help. Later we ended up talking on IM, and i was really sad and a little angry too. Tears were running down my face as i typed, expressing all of the frustration and pain that comes with all the unrequited (and unrequitable) want that bounds our relationship.

Wednesday, i felt much better. And by Thursday, i could actually look at the experience with some perspective. i had been deriding myself a little for breaking down, but by Thursday i didn’t feel guilty or bad about my emotions anymore. This *is* a difficult thing we are managing. It *is* hard to live with so much want all the time. And it *is* still wonderful and glorious and something i don’t want to lose. But sometimes i am going to need to feel and to process the emotions that go with the first couple of “is” statements. And that’s okay.

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Last night

January 24, 2008

i got ready for bed, thinking about where You were tonight and what that meant for how i needed to orient myself. As i knelt i thought about how much better i felt today, and about all the good things that i was able to focus on. i thought about being Your piss slut, and how much it helps me to have concrete ways to demonstrate my submission.

Thinking about being Your piss slut, i turned my thoughts to Your earlier instructions to play with myself while thinking about that. So, still kneeling, i brought my hands underneath myself and began playing with my nipples as i knelt and thought. My first thought was “ouch, i have sore breasts!” so i think my period must really be planning to come soon. But i continued to rub my nipples, and although they were a little tender, i felt my cunt warm in response. i remembered all the sensations and emotions i’d experienced standing in the bathtub and being Your piss slut just an hour before.

As my arousal grew, i slipped a hand between my legs (still kneeling) and began to play with my clit, moaning softly in pleasure and feeling my body arch and respond to my touch. i always enjoy feeling the arousal that submitting to You brings me, and this time was no exception.

i was getting sore from kneeling, so i lied down on my side, breathing fast and thrusting against the pillow between my knees as my fingers continued to play at my nipples.

i wasn’t trying to come, but i did want to feel my submission very fully, and i never feel so submissive as when i am wet and horny and wanting. i slipped a hand between my legs and rubbed my clit again as i played with a nipple with the other hand. i fantasized about shoes, and realized that i really, really want to be able to go up to someone at a club someday and beg to worship their shoes. Up until now that’s been more in the realm of things i wanted to do to show my submission and because i knew it would be a very hot thing for You, but last night my own desire to do that overwhelmed me.

As i imagined that, the inklings of an orgasm started to approach. i kept touching myself, wanting to experience my arousal fully, and accepting that i would or would not orgasm and that either was fine (at least i hope it was fine with You in keeping with Your recent instructions re. orgasm). i turned my thoughts back to being Your piss slut, standing in the bathtub as my piss ran through my panties and through my hands down my legs. i thought about You pissing on me. With this thought, i found myself on the edge of orgasm, so i begged You aloud for permission. On the edge, on the edge, on the edge, and i opened my mouth and the words spilled out and i begged aloud “please Sir, please piss in my mouth” and crashed over the edge into orgasm.

i caught my breath, put on my ankle cuffs and collar, and drifted off to sleep with thoughts of You filling my mind.

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Want

January 20, 2008

i want to be there when You wake up, so that You can fuck my mouth when You wake up with a hard-on. i want to kneel before You in the shower as You piss on me, and then feel Your hands on my body and in my hair, washing me clean and new. i want to dress for You in the clothes You picked out for me, as You watch me from across the room. i want You to fuck me in the middle of a room filled with shoes. i want to curl up on the floor at Your feet as You work, wearing as much or as little as You desire from me, ready to attend to Your every whim. i want You to tie me up and hurt me as much as You need to and want to, until i can only think of how much i love You and need You and adore You.

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Intensity

January 9, 2008

It’s Friday morning. My Master has been in town for a couple of hours, and He’s fucking me. Generous Master that He is, i’ve already had one (sort of) orgasm and i’m working on another as He fucks me, but i have to pee. i tell Him that, but He doesn’t stop. Eventually He comes – i think in my mouth – and then turns His attentions to me, sliding my glass wand into my cunt and making me come that way. All the while, i have to pee. After i come, i really really have to pee.

He takes me into the bathroom, and i know it’s time.

“Get into the bathtub,” He says. i start to get undressed – i’m still fully clothed, in the tiny skirt, g-string panties, button down top, sheer lace bra, and black stiletto pumps with chain He was fucking me in – but He stops me, and orders me to lie down in the tub like i wrote to Him about last week.

The tub in the hotel is the wrong size and shape for the position i had taken last week, and i beg for and receive permission to kneel on my hands and knees instead.

“Now you can piss, my piss slut.”

i’m incredibly nervous about what’s going to happen next, and humiliated by my position, but i really, really, really have to pee. So i do, right through my sheer panties. My piss hits the bottom of the tub and splatters back up on my legs and skirt. i reach down to try to pull the skirt out of the way, and He stops me, telling me not to worry about it. My face is at the drain, so my piss runs past me down the drain, and He pushes my face down into it as it passes.

i finish pissing, my feeling of relief overriding my fear momentarily.

“Up. On your knees. You know what’s coming now, don’t you?”

i nod, because He’s in front of me, with His cock in His hand. It’s difficult for Him, this pissing on me, i think because my submitting in this way is so arousing for Him. But it comes, and His piss falls on my chest and open shirt, onto my face. i’m cringing and struggling, but He pulls my face towards Him, orders me to open my mouth. i close my lips around the head of His cock and my mouth fills with His piss. i want to swallow it, drink it all without spilling a drop, like the good little piss slut He wants me to be. But i can’t. i swallow some, but just hold the rest in my mouth and dribble it out when pulls His cock from my mouth.

He shoves me down so that i am lying on my stomach in the bathtub, high-heeled feet up in the air. Cold piss soaks through my clothes. “You know what to do,” He says. i put my mouth to the tub and begin to lap up the piss that’s still running into the drain, His and mine combined. But i’m not doing it well enough for His tastes, and He shoves my face down into it again. “Drink.” i suck up mouthfuls of piss from the tub, shuddering and shaking, and He is satisfied.

“Take your clothes off.”

i undress, and my piss-covered clothes and (remarkably piss-free) shoes are tossed into the corner for the moment. i’m sitting in the bottom of the bath tub, naked, covered in cold piss, shaking with fear and humiliation and submission, and He begins to run the water.

And i am terrified – completely terrified – that He is going to punish me for my disobedience, for my unauthorized orgasms, by running the cold shower on me right there. i know i have been a very bad girl and deserve to be punished, so i don’t even try to beg Him not to do it. i just sit there, body tensing in fear, trying to prepare myself to be punished, all the while convinced that i am going to completely break when it happens.

But then He climbs into the tub with me, and turns the hot shower on both of us, and holds me in His arms as i take deep shuddering breaths. i confess my fear to Him, confess to Him that i thought He was going to punish me, and He holds me even tighter, turns my face to Him, kisses my mouth that’s still filled with His taste. “How could i punish you,” He says, “when You were such a very very good girl for me just now?”

My breath comes easier now, and i’m crying from relief and emotion and the sheer intensity of it, muttering “i thought You were going to punish me” until His gentle touches finally calmed my mind and my pounding heart.

We stayed there in the tub for a long long time (hooray for hotels and unlimited hot water), until our fingers and toes were all pruny and we were ready to face the world again, a Master and His piss slut, who were both now very hungry for lunch.

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In my place

January 6, 2008

My Master visited this weekend, and we talked off and on about the nature of our relationship. We use the language of various D/s tropes (Master, slave, slut, Owner), but we really don’t fit well into any of them. We both agreed that really, the style that is most similar is probably Daddy/little girl, although neither of us is comfortable using that language. But there’s a strong component of caregiving and loving and pampering that is very Daddy-esque. As He said often this weekend – as He helped me on with my coat, or opened the door for me, or pulled my chair out – “I don’t care what you are, I’m not going to not do this.” i may be His slutty submissive slavegirl piss slut (and i am), but He still gets great enjoyment and pleasure from these gentlemanly acts too.

But i think He sensed that i was starting to perhaps get a little complacent, expecting things to be fun and easy, and needed a reminder. Or maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, and He was just meeting His own needs when He hogtied me, lied me on my stomach on the bed, and bit my back until i was screaming into His hand across my mouth and through the pillow beneath that. Screaming over and over again as He bit me over and over again, hard, and mostly in exactly the same spot. Then pausing and doing it again when He tired of listening to me beg “no, no, no, please, no, no, no” and wanted to listen to me scream again instead.

My Master may be a gentleman who loves to take care of His girl, but He also owns a slave who exists for His pleasure alone, and i won’t soon forget that.