December 25, 2007

When i think about myself, my wants and needs, i flounder and flail. It all seems impossible. i question my choice, question my submission, question this path. But when i turn my mind to You, when i turn my mind to obedience and acceptance and devotion to Your needs, then i find calm and peace and ease. My decision has already been made, now all i need to do is to obey. When i try to influence my submission, drive it to meet my needs and wants, then i grab at control, and although it is hard for me to give up control, i am always happier when i do. The times that You have pushed me hard, pushed at my limits, at my edges, forced me to do and say things that are hard for me, things that i do not want, things that are to meet Your needs and Your wants – those have been the times when i have most felt my submission, most felt the peace and beauty and calm. Maybe not in the moment, but afterwards, when i feel so much closer to You and so much more transformed by You.

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