Archive for the ‘flailing’ Category

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Hard Week

July 26, 2009

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It’s been a really rough week. My Master and i have both been very busy, and our schedules have rarely aligned. Early in the week my Master told me to put my buttplug in, and i had to admit that i’d failed to put my toy bag into the purse i was carrying that day. He’s not been having me use my toys hardly at all, and i’ve gotten lazy about making sure i have them with me. So it was completely my fault, and i expected to be punished.

But the punishment He gave me was something that i just couldn’t do. i tried to think it through, figure out how to make it work without it being a real problem for my personal and professional life, and i just couldn’t do it.  And i felt horrible about it, knowing that i had disappointed Him. i still feel horrible about it. And because of our schedules, we have not really had time to talk about it, if He is even willing to talk about it.

Between that and some other things that are going on regarding my modes of conversation and level of “agreeableness,” i feel like He is always either upset or angry with me, or disappointed in me.  i feel like i just can’t do anything right, and don’t deserve to be His submissive.

All of this is happening leading up to a visit. i get to see Him in 3 days. i miss Him tremendously. i want to show Him that i can be His good girl. i feel lucky that i get to see Him – after the week we’ve had, i spent half the time wondering if He’d tell me not to bother getting on the plane Wednesday.

But i do get to see Him. And i have never craved punishment as much as i am craving it now. i need for Him to do something so that i can be forgiven and we can move forward, because i am just feeling so awful all the time now, and i can’t be a good submissive to Him that way either.

i hope that this visit will be renewing and reconnecting. i hope i can find that inner core of my submission, and bring it back up to the surface, and show my Master that i really do want to be His good girl. But it is all being really hard for me right now, and i don’t feel very confident in myself.

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The Journey

June 9, 2009

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My Master and i have been having some deep discussions lately, spurred by a couple of posts from Gray Lily. A lot of what she writes is rather achingly familiar for us.

This paragraph, although written to describe her Michael, could just as easily describe my Master.

The most important thing to Michael, the most real part of our relationship, the thing that matters more than what he says or does or what ends up happening, is how he feels. The fact that he thinks about me when he is away, that his soul misses mine, is exponentially more real to him than the manner of contact we may have over that same period of time. Loving and wanting me mean more to him than any way in which he could possibly show those same emotions.

This is so true about my Master, that it’s scary. But like Gray Lily, i’m more about the action. As i wrote my Master i’m definitely more of the “yes, You love me, but what does it matter if…” kind of person. Despite His encouragement i’ve never been good at being satisfied with just the emotions.

Unlike Gray Lily, i don’t have the hope of some eventual payoff (although i fear that her hope may be mislaid, and hope that i am mistaken). As much as my heart fights it, i know my place. i know that this is what i get, that there is no happy ever after, at least not in the traditional ways.

And most of the time i’m okay with that.  As my Master has reminded me, relationships are not about endpoints. The journey is what’s important, and the journey we have been on and continue on together has been an amazing one, filled with wonder and closeness and love and pleasure. And pain and longing and sorrow and loss, but this wouldn’t be life without the circle, without the lows that make the highs worth fighting for.

This is what i must try to remember in times like now, when i am struggling to be not only what He wants, but what my dimly remembered memories tell me that i too would be happier being.  That the journey is what matters, even when there is no destination.

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Searching for submission

October 19, 2008

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Thank you to everyone for the kind comments on my last post. Experiencing that moment on my knees was really truly magical, and made me realize how far i have fallen in my submission, how distant i have become from it.

It’s not completely unexpected. If you’ve read my blog for a long time, you may have been able to read between the lines of my recent posts and realize that my husband and i have separated. And while that’s been a really positive thing (for both of us), it’s a huge change in my life, and it’s spilled over into my submission. Add work and other stressors, and in some ways it’s easy to see why things have been slowly declining in intensity over the last few months.

My Master and i have been doing a lot of talking this week, figuring out what’s happened, and what needs to happen to get back to what we both want and need. Or more accurately, my Master is figuring that out. My job is simply to let go, and let Him take me there.

Letting go is the first lesson i need to relearn. It was really hard for me the first time around, but it’s going a little easier this time. That taste on our last visit has energized me to rediscover the center of my submission. It was just such a profound moment for me, and i realized that i need to feel more of that. And i can only feel it by giving myself over completely to the man who owns me, body, mind and soul.

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-3 days

October 13, 2008

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i wish i could say that all of you were right and that i just fell into it and everything was perfect. Sadly, that was not the case. i was out of sorts from the moment i met my Master at the airport on Thursday – annoyed that i was having to wear an uncomfortable butt plug, instead of seeing it as an opportunity to please. Testy and argumentative. Distant. All the things i don’t want to be, but somehow couldn’t help. i sucked His cock, said all the right words, spread my legs for Him to fuck, but my heart just wasn’t completely in it. i knew it, he knew it, but we both muddled through, Him occasionally asking me what was up, me being unable to clearly articulate it.

We did have a nice visit – it was fabulous to have him in my new home, and my new bed. Fabulous to cook dinner together, something we’ve not really done before. Fabulous just to hang around the house having normal time. But it wasn’t satisfying either of our needs, deep down. Because i was fighting it.

Friday night, after the dinner we cooked for each other, we were sitting together on the couch, and something clicked in me. i got down on my knees in front of Him, kneeling at His side as He stroked my hair and face. i felt better than i had all visit. i only went back up to the couch in order to give Him a long foot massage, something that He absolutely adores, and i felt good to be serving Him that way.

Later, He went into the bathroom. Being His piss slut is one of the things that i’ve been particularly fighting lately, but hearing the sound of His piss hitting the water, i was compelled to go over to the bathroom. i knelt outside the door, and He turned and put His cock in my mouth.

i didn’t know if He was done or not. i didn’t know if He would be pissing in my mouth – expecting me to swallow without spilling a drop – or if i was simply to clean Him off. But – most importantly – it also didn’t matter. In that moment i was simply submitting, whatever that might mean, whatever He might want from me.

My body flushed with submission. i tingled from head to toe with the feeling of giving over all that control, with simply trusting and serving and submitting my will to His. He pulled His cock from my mouth – all He needed from me was to clean it off – and stood there, holding my face in His hands. The pure emotion of submission flowed through me.

We went to bed soon after, and i was on fire. Every touch of my Master’s hands on my skin further aroused me. Unlocking my submission had unlocked my sexuality too, and when my Master finally gave me His permission, i came long and hard around His cock in my cunt, every contraction furthering my connection and submission to Him.

Unfortunately, He had to leave early the next morning. So now my challenge is to hold onto that feeling until i see Him again, in about three weeks.

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3 days

October 6, 2008

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Some day, i hope that the stars align to allow me to give all of my attention to preparing for my Master’s arrival. But He comes in 3 days, and as is too often the case, i am stressed and overly busy, and not able to give my preparation the attention it deserves. Oh, and – of course – i’m pre-menstrual, which always makes me flail about and feel a great sense of futility about it all.

My Master doesn’t ask very much of me. My long list of rules mostly comes down to being mindful. And i haven’t been mindful lately. One day i left my camera’s memory card at home. Today, i left my camera at home completely. There are always “reasons” to fall back on, but they’re really just excuses for not being mindful, and i don’t even try to make them anymore. i just apologize and try to do better, and feel disappointed in myself when i fail to do that.

In 3 days He’ll be here. In my new home, with me. i’ve got three days to get myself ready emotionally and physically to submit to Him and serve Him as i have promised to do. 3 days to focus what time i can on Him, and on being the best submissive i can. Knowing that as overwhelming as it can feel to try to “fit that in,” if i do it i’ll be richly rewarded by feeling closer to Him, and knowing that i have served Him well and given Him what He needs from me.

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Feelings

April 1, 2008

i’m feeling excited about our upcoming visit. i love spending time with You, doing all the many things that we do. i miss having sex with You (having sex at all) and i’m really looking forward to the feeling of You inside of me. 7 weeks is a long time. i’m especially looking forward to kissing You, i really really love kissing You.

i’m also worried about our upcoming visit. i’m worried it’s not going to go the way we want it to, and we’re both going to be disappointed or feel like we’ve failed each other. i’m worried that we’re just going to keep going on as we’ve been going on and drifting farther and farther from our connection.

i’m hopeful that i’m wrong. i’m hopeful that this visit will revitalize You as my Master and me as Your submissive slavegirl. i’m hopeful that we’ll fall back into our places and come away closer than ever and better able to weather our next long absence from one another. i want that very much. i want to feel like there’s nothing in the world that matters as much as pleasing You.

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Is Statements

January 26, 2008

Tuesday night was a rough night for me. i was just in a down mood, and a phone conversation with my Master didn’t help. Later we ended up talking on IM, and i was really sad and a little angry too. Tears were running down my face as i typed, expressing all of the frustration and pain that comes with all the unrequited (and unrequitable) want that bounds our relationship.

Wednesday, i felt much better. And by Thursday, i could actually look at the experience with some perspective. i had been deriding myself a little for breaking down, but by Thursday i didn’t feel guilty or bad about my emotions anymore. This *is* a difficult thing we are managing. It *is* hard to live with so much want all the time. And it *is* still wonderful and glorious and something i don’t want to lose. But sometimes i am going to need to feel and to process the emotions that go with the first couple of “is” statements. And that’s okay.