It’s been a really rough week. My Master and i have both been very busy, and our schedules have rarely aligned. Early in the week my Master told me to put my buttplug in, and i had to admit that i’d failed to put my toy bag into the purse i was carrying that day. He’s not been having me use my toys hardly at all, and i’ve gotten lazy about making sure i have them with me. So it was completely my fault, and i expected to be punished.
But the punishment He gave me was something that i just couldn’t do. i tried to think it through, figure out how to make it work without it being a real problem for my personal and professional life, and i just couldn’t do it. And i felt horrible about it, knowing that i had disappointed Him. i still feel horrible about it. And because of our schedules, we have not really had time to talk about it, if He is even willing to talk about it.
Between that and some other things that are going on regarding my modes of conversation and level of “agreeableness,” i feel like He is always either upset or angry with me, or disappointed in me. i feel like i just can’t do anything right, and don’t deserve to be His submissive.
All of this is happening leading up to a visit. i get to see Him in 3 days. i miss Him tremendously. i want to show Him that i can be His good girl. i feel lucky that i get to see Him – after the week we’ve had, i spent half the time wondering if He’d tell me not to bother getting on the plane Wednesday.
But i do get to see Him. And i have never craved punishment as much as i am craving it now. i need for Him to do something so that i can be forgiven and we can move forward, because i am just feeling so awful all the time now, and i can’t be a good submissive to Him that way either.
i hope that this visit will be renewing and reconnecting. i hope i can find that inner core of my submission, and bring it back up to the surface, and show my Master that i really do want to be His good girl. But it is all being really hard for me right now, and i don’t feel very confident in myself.