Archive for March, 2010
My Master and i had a really wonderful scene on Friday night. We were at our favorite BDSM club and were having a relaxing time just being close to each other, when He decided it was time to give me the spanking that He’d been craving for the long weeks since our last visit. i was craving it too, so was happy to kneel over the spanking bench and settle into the moment as He clipped my cuffs to the rings on the side of the bench.
He pushed up my flirty and short ruffled skirt, revealing my cunt lips spilling out of the crotchless panties i was wearing. And then He started spanking me, softly at first, but building harder and harder. Mostly my ass, but my pussy too. Soon His hand gave way to other implements – like the bundle of canes, with tips that wrapped ever so slightly and caused me to yelp every time it came down on me. The suede flogger, wielded with a precision that had me wondering if He’d been practicing – He was alternating ass cheeks, in a perfect rhythm to build my arousal, but hitting the same exact spot on each cheek every (damn) time. Which was the same spot – on the outside of my butt cheeks – that the cane tips had been torturing earlier. So i was torn between getting off on the rhythm and the growing pain of those points of contact. A paddle of some sort was next, i think, just to keep me on my toes, then the stingy red flogger, not just on my ass but on my pussy too. i was getting pretty floaty at this point, so i don’t remember what He was doing near the end that had me yelping so loud, arching my back, kicking my feet, and otherwise thrashing all over the bench.
Then it wasn’t pain He was giving me, but pleasure, as His fingers (or some object, i couldn’t tell in the moment) began moving in and out of my cunt and i was thrusting my body back at him. He undid the clips and flipped me over then, the position of the spanking bench forcing my legs spread wide, making room for His hand to keep working at my cunt. i pulled my shirt down and started rubbing my nipples, and soon He was asking me if i was going to orgasm for Him. i was hot – oh so hot – but i wasn’t there yet, although i was close enough and blissed out and endorphined enough to be nearly inarticulate telling Him that. i did manage to beg for my dildo, but it had been left behind at the hotel. So He brought me the shoe, and i fucked myself with that a bit, but was mewling with frustration and so much arousal. When He slid the glass wand into my cunt i knew release wasn’t far off. i rubbed my clit as He thrust the wand against my g-spot and pulled at my nipples.
“Come for me,” he told me again “everyone’s watching and they want to see You come.”
Knowing i was being watched pushed all my objectification and exhibitionist buttons, and finally i was begging my Master for permission to come, and then coming so so so hard, screaming out my orgasm for everyone to hear. It was a long orgasm, wave after wave of pleasure and release, that continued long after my hand had left my cunt and my Master was holding me against His body. We clutched each other, emotion so strong i was crying tearless sobs into His shoulder as He held me.
i just finished typing that subject line out 50 times, as part of my punishment for staying up past my bedtime last night. i was chatting with N just before bed, and got caught up in our phone conversation, and let the time slip away. And worse yet, didn’t let my Master know that i was doing it, so as far as he could tell, i just disappeared from online and never said good night.
When he got online this morning he let me know that he’d be punishing me for disobeying my bedtime. The lines were part of that. i also had to write him an apology and explanation of why it was important.
Writing up that apology brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me.
i am struggling right now, in the ever evolving flows of the peaks and valleys of my submission. i want to embrace opportunities for fun and connection with people. Dating N is bringing that to the forefront, certainly, but there are other times too when interactions with others butt up against agreements and responsibilities to my Master. And i feel a lot of tension in those moments about obeying vs doing what i want to do.
And i struggle in those moments with trying to reconcile the reasons why for these constraints. The easy answer is that i can’t do these things because i am owned, and i’ve given the responsibility for making those decisions/ choices to my Master. But then i start pondering why i’ve given that responsibility to Him, why i have chosen to be owned, and things get very complicated in my head very quickly, and quite frequently in directions i don’t want my thoughts to be going.
There was a point in our history where submission was so ultimately fulfilling to me, that it overshadowed any other needs. But i don’t feel that in the same way now. So it’s easy for me to submit when it’s things i want to do or don’t mind doing. It’s much harder for me to submit when it means i have to say no to things that i do want to do. When i feel like stomping my feet like a little kid whose mother says she can’t watch one more TV show. In the place i’m at in my submission right now, it’s really hard for me to remember/ recognize/ feel/ experience the rewards from the denial, from doing the hard thing. And then i feel really bad for letting my Master down like i did last night, while still wanting to struggle against the constraints.
i love my Master so very very much. i really do. He is a treasure in my life, in so many different ways, many of which my readers never see because they’re outside of the scope of what i talk about in the space. And i get frustrated with myself when i feel like i’m not giving back to Him as much as He gives to me, when i feel like i am letting Him down.
My Master has suggested for quite a while now that he thought it would be good for me to have a local sweetie. i’ve been very hesitant about this idea, as i worried about being able to manage all the maelstrom of emotions. But then the opportunity for something casual and fun presented itself, and so – with the full encouragement of my Master – i went for it. And i’m having a lot of fun.
But it’s definitely added some new elements to my relationship with my Master. i had a date with the new guy (let’s call him N) while my Master was offline for 10 days, and after N left i had to go upstairs and follow my Master’s instructions for the evening – to masturbate for Him, on the floor with a shoe. Here’s what i wrote to my Master the next day:
i went upstairs and knelt next to the bed. i pulled out my vibrator and a shoe. i sucked on the toe of the shoe a bit to lube it up, then slid it into my cunt. Probably didn’t need to lube it, because i was still a little wet from rolling around on the couch with N. i thought to myself (as soon as i saw Your instructions, but also again in the act) that there’s nothing quite so good at making me remember who owns me than fucking myself with a shoe for You. Not that i’d forgotten at all, but it was a very visceral reminder and made me feel very submissive.
i buzzed the vibe on my clit as i fucked myself with the shoe. i was really aroused and it felt really good, but i was having a hard time getting a good angle to actually get off. And when i would, then my arm muscles would wear out right when i was on the edge. So i got to masturbate and meditate on ownership and submission for a long time before i finally got a position where i came, begging for Your permission.
i licked the shoe clean with my tongue, then got into bed and knelt a bit more for You before kissing Your bracelet and falling asleep.
It felt very weird to be moving forward with N while my Master was away, and i couldn’t ask Him for permission or check things out with Him. So in most ways it’s been a relief to have Him back, but it’s also felt really weird on a bunch of levels to be asking for permission to stay up late, or having to be aware of constraints on what i can do with N. (Although so far we’ve been having so much fun making out that we haven’t come anywhere near to the limits my Master’s established anyway…)
(Shoes are Rock & Republic’s Alayna. Entirely impractical, so we’re not keeping them. i’m not sure anyone has a lifestyle where owning these shoes makes sense, but i sure don’t. More’s the pity.)