Gun Shy

December 24, 2007

At the end of September, my Master and i had an absolutely extraordinary visit. It had been a long time since we’d seen each other, but during that time we’d had ample opportunity to build up and prepare for our visit. i was deep, deep into my submission, and He into his dominance, and the translation of that to our in-person time was profound and fulfilling for both of us.

And then came the fall. Things came crashing down. His life, His other, His primary relationship intervened. The nature of our communication changed. The nature of our connection changed, forced into retreat so that it didn’t have to disappear altogether. For a time it had seemed like anything was possible, and now i feared that nothing was. A lot of it came on suddenly, and it was stressful and difficult for both of us. But gradually we adapted. i adapted. Pulled back, distanced myself, shielded and protected myself from the fear of pain and further loss. i still submitted, but not as fully, not as completely – He couldn’t demand it from me while running triage on his primary relationship, and i can only give what He is able to take.

Time passes, things ease, and He is once again able to call for my complete submission. i begin to give it, but all i can see is the pain. I had forgotten the lows that come with the highs of my submission – now that He is making demands of me again, i can and do disappoint Him, and feel the crushing pain of causing Him that disappointment. And underneath it all is the pain of giving myself to Him so completely, loving Him so completely – but knowing that we will never have all we want.

i know there is joy here too, and peace and calm and fulfillment and pleasure. i know that having what we have is immeasurably better than having nothing at all. i begin to feel that again, and i want to feel it more. But to get there, i have to let go. i have to give up control, again. And i am finding that doing it this second time around is even harder than the first. i am gun shy.

But my Master is patient, and gentle. And also persistent. He is not going to let me slip away, or give anything less than what He needs to take and what i need to give. So i listen to and obey his instructions – to feel what i am feeling, but then to let it go. To notice that i am clinging to control, and then to give it up. To acknowledge my fear, but do it anyway.

i had a little breakthrough last night, spurred by a day of blog reading (so thank you all, meg and PixiePie and Gray Lily particularly). Seeing my submission reflected in others, i finally was able to re-recognize my own need to be used and controlled and forced to submit. i remembered that i exist for Him, and that my submission is about fulfilling His needs, not my own. Today i have more peace and less pain, and i look forward to pleasing my Master in whatever way He asks of me.

One comment

  1. it’s good to know that even if he isn’t immune to vulnerability, that he can still be persistent about bringing you back. that’s realy all we can ask for, isn’t it? as long as i can be put back in my place afterward, i sometimes feel that i can tolerate any un-submissive act that my relationship with my owners demands. i love them that much, and i think you love that much too.

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