It’s all in your head

My Master and i were lucky enough to spend Saturday afternoon playing with the awesome Jade and W.  i may write more about the day, and i know Jade plans to, but what moved me to post to my blog again after over a year away was thinking about the head game.

We originally planned this play date for April, but something came up and things got canceled at the last minute. So the possibility of it has been in my mind for a long time. But that was about it – just the possibility, because my Master and W were solely responsible for the planning. i was not in the loop at all. But there were a few hints dropped here and there, and they were sufficient to set up a pretty intense head game for me.

i knew that my Master had promised me to W to use. He’d told me that i could be beaten, fucked, used – pretty much anything. He’d even implied that my being pissed on was not off the table. So i had a not insignificant amount of trepidation going on in the lead up to the actual day.

What actually happened was a mix of objectification and use and mutually negotiated activities between the four of us, and much fun was had by all. But in the back of my mind the whole day was this idea that W was going to, at some point, fuck me, or make me suck him. And for all my Master and i talk and fantasize a LOT about me being a sex toy for other men to use, up until now i’ve only had (male) sex partners who i had chosen of my own volition. So this idea that it wouldn’t be up to me was at once hot and scary.

Towards the end of the day, i requested and received a really excellent hard flogging/beating from W. And part of what made it so hot was that throughout it i was utterly convinced that when he was done, he was going to use me sexually. But he didn’t. And while a part of me was relieved, to my surprise, a bigger part of me was… disappointed.

And guess what i was thinking about when i masturbated last night?

Dom’s perspective

Discerning Dom posted a great post about what he’s thinking and feeling when he’s being cruel to a submissive girl. As always, his writing is interesting and evocative, so i forwarded a link on to my Master, along with a comment that i’d love to hear His take on the subject. Well, He was kind enough to indulge my curiosity, and even to give me permission to post what He wrote here! So now, a few words from londistancedom…

It’s different for me.  I don’t need to administer pain for its own sake.  I sympathize when you hurt.  I feel it with you.  I don’t not care.

For me, it’s the connection.  It’s the connection between you and I, giver and receiver, action and reaction.  If you lie there asleep as I spank you, that’s completely uninteresting to me.  I need to feel your reaction: your voice, your breath, your movement.  I need to know you’re doing what you’re doing for me, whether it’s taking smacks on your cunt, pleasuring me, masturbating for me on instruction, peeing on yourself, or responding to my e-mails.  It’s the merging of both of us that makes me hot.  You and I as one sensual, sexual being: me steering and both of us feeling.  The most arousing thing I ever did with you was forcibly give you a piss fetish.  Some of my most powerful moments involve you lying in my arms, and me both hurting and comforting you.  Others involve you so deep into submission that you do anything I want, almost in a trance.  Still others involve you and I at a play party, when the room and the other people and the music just disappear; and its just the two of us.  You and me, us, as one, you submitting to me.  That’s what it’s about.

That is what it’s about. Exactly. And i’m so happy that i’m His.

Everything we do…

Saturday was a day of highs and lows with my Master. In the morning, we were feeling very close to one another, as I’d had significant cause to feel my submission the night before and we were working through that. It was a lovely morning of deep connection, intense IM, then casual messaging back and forth as we went about our days.

As the day wore on, things got more hectic for me, and as I raced to get ready for a date that evening, i was thinking more about all the things i had to do than my Master. Much later, as i was checking the time on my phone before leaving the restaurant after my date, i saw the message from my Master – “You couldn’t possibly have left without saying goodbye, could you?”

But i had. Oh, i had excuses, but none of them good. i went home and straight to bed as He’d instructed, and Sunday morning sat feeling contrite and ashamed of myself as the words of His lecture flashed on my IM window.

Sunday night, i meditated on that lecture from the morning. Of the importance of our connection with one another. On the importance of being respectful of Him and His position in my life, and of His desire to know where i am and what i’m doing. On His comment that everything we do – my dating others included – can bring us closer together or push us farther apart, and that it was up to us to choose. i meditated about choosing poorly. And i meditated on how i’d felt on Sunday, when i had checked in with Him regularly, keeping him updated on my various comings and goings.

i’d felt good. i’d felt close to him, protected, submissive. Grounded. But even as i contemplated all that i gained from behaving as i should, i knew that my positive experience in the act of doing it shouldn’t be my motivation. Because when i’m only in it for what i get out of it, then i’m not truly submitting to my Master. And “forgetting” becomes easy, if the something i’m forgetting for seems like it will be better or more fun for me some way. Even when the things i’m required to do feel like an inconvenience to me, i need to do them anyway. Because He wants it of me, because it brings us closer, because it enhances our connection. And that deep connection, that intimacy that it brings, is what makes our relationship the phenomenal experience that constantly leaves me in awe.

i will obey my bedtime

i just finished typing that subject line out 50 times, as part of my punishment for staying up past my bedtime last night. i was chatting with N just before bed, and got caught up in our phone conversation, and let the time slip away. And worse yet, didn’t let my Master know that i was doing it, so as far as he could tell, i just disappeared from online and never said good night.

When he got online this morning he let me know that he’d be punishing me for disobeying my bedtime. The lines were part of that. i also had to write him an apology and explanation of why it was important.

Writing up that apology brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me.

i am struggling right now, in the ever evolving flows of the peaks and valleys of my submission. i want to embrace opportunities for fun and connection with people. Dating N is bringing that to the forefront, certainly, but there are other times too when interactions with others butt up against agreements and responsibilities to my Master.  And i feel a lot of tension in those moments about obeying vs doing what i want to do.

And i struggle in those moments with trying to reconcile the reasons why for these constraints. The easy answer is that i can’t do these things because i am owned, and i’ve given the responsibility for making those decisions/ choices to my Master. But then i start pondering why i’ve given that responsibility to Him, why i have chosen to be owned, and things get very complicated in my head very quickly, and quite frequently in directions i don’t want my thoughts to be going.

There was a point in our history where submission was so ultimately fulfilling to me, that it overshadowed any other needs. But i don’t feel that in the same way now. So it’s easy for me to submit when it’s things i want to do or don’t mind doing. It’s much harder for me to submit when it means i have to say no to things that i do want to do. When i feel like stomping my feet like a little kid whose mother says she can’t watch one more TV show. In the place i’m at in my submission right now, it’s really hard for me to remember/ recognize/ feel/ experience the rewards from the denial, from doing the hard thing. And then i feel really bad for letting my Master down like i did last night, while still wanting to struggle against the constraints.

i love my Master so very very much. i really do.  He is a treasure in my life, in so many different ways, many of which my readers never see because they’re outside of the scope of what i talk about in the space. And i get frustrated with myself when i feel like i’m not giving back to Him as much as He gives to me, when i feel like i am letting Him down.

Dating while owned

My Master has suggested for quite a while now that he thought it would be good for me to have a local sweetie. i’ve been very hesitant about this idea, as i worried about being able to manage all the maelstrom of emotions. But then the opportunity for something casual and fun presented itself, and so – with the full encouragement of my Master – i went for it. And i’m having a lot of fun.

But it’s definitely added some new elements to my relationship with my Master. i had a date with the new guy (let’s call him N) while my Master was offline for 10 days, and after N left i had to go upstairs and follow my Master’s instructions for the evening – to masturbate for Him, on the floor with a shoe. Here’s what i wrote to my Master the next day:

i went upstairs and knelt next to the bed. i pulled out my vibrator and a shoe. i sucked on the toe of the shoe a bit to lube it up, then slid it into my cunt. Probably didn’t need to lube it, because i was still a little wet from rolling around on the couch with N. i thought to myself (as soon as i saw Your instructions, but also again in the act) that there’s nothing quite so good at making me remember who owns me than fucking myself with a shoe for You. Not that i’d forgotten at all, but it was a very visceral reminder and made me feel very submissive.

i buzzed the vibe on my clit as i fucked myself with the shoe. i was really aroused and it felt really good, but i was having a hard time getting a good angle to actually get off. And when i would, then my arm muscles would wear out right when i was on the edge. So i got to masturbate and meditate on ownership and submission for a long time before i finally got a position where i came, begging for Your permission.

i licked the shoe clean with my tongue, then got into bed and knelt a bit more for You before kissing Your bracelet and falling asleep.

It felt very weird to be moving forward with N while my Master was away, and i couldn’t ask Him for permission or check things out with Him. So in most ways it’s been a relief to have Him back, but it’s also felt really weird on a bunch of levels to be asking for permission to stay up late, or having to be aware of constraints on what i can do with N. (Although so far we’ve been having so much fun making out that we haven’t come anywhere near to the limits my Master’s established anyway…)

(Shoes are Rock & Republic’s Alayna. Entirely impractical, so we’re not keeping them. i’m not sure anyone has a lifestyle where owning these shoes makes sense, but i sure don’t. More’s the pity.)

Good influence

My Master has been a very good influence on me over these last few years. He’s helped me to understand myself better, so i can make better choices about my life and what i want from it. He’s influenced my dress and appearance in ways that make me happier with myself, and more professional-looking too (when he’s not making me look slutty, that is). He’s taught me a great deal about food and wine. Through our occasional travels and my vicarious experience of His, He’s made me more worldly. He’s made me more self-aware, so i observe my strengths and weaknesses, and try to work on maximizing the former and mitigating the latter. He’s helped my sexuality bloom, and taught me how to fantasize. i am a very lucky girl to have such a positive influence in my life.

The Journey

My Master and i have been having some deep discussions lately, spurred by a couple of posts from Gray Lily. A lot of what she writes is rather achingly familiar for us.

This paragraph, although written to describe her Michael, could just as easily describe my Master.

The most important thing to Michael, the most real part of our relationship, the thing that matters more than what he says or does or what ends up happening, is how he feels. The fact that he thinks about me when he is away, that his soul misses mine, is exponentially more real to him than the manner of contact we may have over that same period of time. Loving and wanting me mean more to him than any way in which he could possibly show those same emotions.

This is so true about my Master, that it’s scary. But like Gray Lily, i’m more about the action. As i wrote my Master i’m definitely more of the “yes, You love me, but what does it matter if…” kind of person. Despite His encouragement i’ve never been good at being satisfied with just the emotions.

Unlike Gray Lily, i don’t have the hope of some eventual payoff (although i fear that her hope may be mislaid, and hope that i am mistaken). As much as my heart fights it, i know my place. i know that this is what i get, that there is no happy ever after, at least not in the traditional ways.

And most of the time i’m okay with that.  As my Master has reminded me, relationships are not about endpoints. The journey is what’s important, and the journey we have been on and continue on together has been an amazing one, filled with wonder and closeness and love and pleasure. And pain and longing and sorrow and loss, but this wouldn’t be life without the circle, without the lows that make the highs worth fighting for.

This is what i must try to remember in times like now, when i am struggling to be not only what He wants, but what my dimly remembered memories tell me that i too would be happier being.  That the journey is what matters, even when there is no destination.

Returning to the real world

My Master and i spent a wonderful weekend at Beat Me in St Louis, and i am having a hard time getting back into the swing of my normal life. For a lot of people, an event like this is amazing because it feels like “home” to them, because they enjoy that sense of community and belonging that comes with the “gathering of the tribes” as it were. For us, while it was great to be around other kinky people, neither my Master nor i have that strong need for community reinforcement, so that’s not what i’m missing today.

i’m missing Him, a lot. It didn’t occur to me until this morning that i spent probably 90% of the last few days touching my Master. Wherever we were – at a meal, attending a workshop, we were at the very least snuggled up next to each other, and quite frequently i was snuggled up on His lap or draped over Him in some other way.

Also, i was able to be un-restrainedly demonstrative. Even when we are together in vanilla space, we spend most of our time touching each other, by sitting next to each other or holding hands. But in this space, i could give into the urge to kneel at His feet just because i wanted to and needed to, knowing that no one would judge. We could kiss each other, deeply and passionately, expressing all the boundless love we feel for each other.

It was lovely. As we were preparing to part yesterday, He kept commenting on how connected we felt, and in the moment i didn’t really feel it as that different than how we had been before. But now, with that physical connection a fading memory and only the emotional connection in my aching heart to remind me, i know it and remember it, and try to hold onto it until next time.

Meaning from the Meaningless

My Master and i have been talking a lot lately about the nature of Dominance and submission. How, if you look too closely at it, it can all seem vaguely ridiculous. But if you just DO, instead of think, there’s tremendous comfort and meaning to be found in the ridiculousness.

My Master likens it to spirituality – you just have to have faith. Faith that these things matter, and that they draw us closer to one another. Since neither of us are spiritual persons, this is a stretch for us. But i feel it, when i let go concern, let go of feeling silly for writing Him an email filled with submissive cliches about how grateful i feel to Him for letting me serve Him, for taking me on this journey that has added so much meaning to my life. He feels it, when as in a line from one of our favorite blog posts, he “tells me do impossible things just so he can watch me try.”

D/s – at least for us – is about making meaning from the meaningless. It’s about context. It’s about sexualizing and eroticizing the everyday and the mundane. The D/s dynamic gives meaning to the actions. And then there’s a feedback loop, as the actions reinforce the meaning. And that dynamic works separately, and intertwined, in both of us.

Maintaining the feedback loop can be hard for us, because of our distance, our busy lives, the many things that can take our attention away from one another. But i am happier – my submission more natural and more fulfilling – when i am able to do it. When i can see every action through the lens of my submission and my Master. This is easy when i am doing things for Him – taking my daily pictures, meditating on my knees – but it doesn’t have to stop there. When i strive to do well in my professional life, i do it in part to represent Him well and make Him proud of me. It’s not my only motivation, but it’s an important one. When i find myself wondering or worrying if my Master would approve of my behavior, i should take heed of that internal warning. When i let my submission surround me and fulfill me without self-consciousness, i serve Him as well as i do on my knees with His cock in my mouth.

Trust and Let Go

My Master always gives me very specific instructions about what to wear when i see Him. Packing instructions too. Usually these come the night before a visit, and the uncertainty drives me crazy!

This week He told me a few days earlier what i was to wear when i saw Him. Then followed it up with the comment “I don’t know why I felt so nice just then; generally I prefer you to be in the dark longer, because it keeps you more off balance.”

i greatly protested, trying to convince Him that keeping me off-balance wasn’t really in His best interest. i’m a planner – i like to rehearse scenarios in my head and think about what i’m going to do. When He takes that opportunity away from me, i feel very unsettled. On the edge. Grumpy. Which means i’m not at my best when i see Him for the first time. i feel very vulnerable and emotionally fragile.

And, of course, that vulnerability is exactly what’s looking for. He’s more interested in feeling my submission than in me performing to some desired standard. He strips away my control when He takes away my ability to plan, and He likes it that way. Because ideally, after the emotional fragility comes the realization that He will take care of me, and that i can trust Him completely and totally. Rather than angsting because i don’t have control, because i haven’t been able to plan my actions and emotions in advance, i need to trust and let go, knowing that He will keep me safe, no matter what happens.