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Everything we do…

May 17, 2010

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Saturday was a day of highs and lows with my Master. In the morning, we were feeling very close to one another, as I’d had significant cause to feel my submission the night before and we were working through that. It was a lovely morning of deep connection, intense IM, then casual messaging back and forth as we went about our days.

As the day wore on, things got more hectic for me, and as I raced to get ready for a date that evening, i was thinking more about all the things i had to do than my Master. Much later, as i was checking the time on my phone before leaving the restaurant after my date, i saw the message from my Master – “You couldn’t possibly have left without saying goodbye, could you?”

But i had. Oh, i had excuses, but none of them good. i went home and straight to bed as He’d instructed, and Sunday morning sat feeling contrite and ashamed of myself as the words of His lecture flashed on my IM window.

Sunday night, i meditated on that lecture from the morning. Of the importance of our connection with one another. On the importance of being respectful of Him and His position in my life, and of His desire to know where i am and what i’m doing. On His comment that everything we do – my dating others included – can bring us closer together or push us farther apart, and that it was up to us to choose. i meditated about choosing poorly. And i meditated on how i’d felt on Sunday, when i had checked in with Him regularly, keeping him updated on my various comings and goings.

i’d felt good. i’d felt close to him, protected, submissive. Grounded. But even as i contemplated all that i gained from behaving as i should, i knew that my positive experience in the act of doing it shouldn’t be my motivation. Because when i’m only in it for what i get out of it, then i’m not truly submitting to my Master. And “forgetting” becomes easy, if the something i’m forgetting for seems like it will be better or more fun for me some way. Even when the things i’m required to do feel like an inconvenience to me, i need to do them anyway. Because He wants it of me, because it brings us closer, because it enhances our connection. And that deep connection, that intimacy that it brings, is what makes our relationship the phenomenal experience that constantly leaves me in awe.

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