Archive for July, 2007

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What was lost now is found

July 29, 2007

I haven’t written anything about my Master’s visit earlier this week. It was in many ways a really wonderful visit. We had a great time together and felt closer and more intimate than ever before. But it was also an unusual time. In the week before our visit, some things had gotten very suddenly stressful in his personal life, which resulted in us spending two full days with extremely minimal contact. We’ve had low contact periods before, but with notice, and a chance to prepare. This came on with no warning, and totally flipped out both of us. Mid-afternoon on the second day I was shaking and fighting tears, I was so stressed out from not hearing from him and not knowing what was going on. He was also feeling pretty distressed about the whole thing.

Things got back to some semblance of normal, but in the days leading up to his visit, I could tell that I didn’t have his focus. That he just wasn’t feeling quite right. And sure enough, when we got together, it became clear that with all the stress of the past week, he’d “bounced out of the D/s dynamic hard.” Fortunately, we had 4.5 years of non-D/s relationship to fall back on, and a busy day doing things that would probably have been more complicated had he had me fully under his control. But we spent a couple of hours in the hot tub in the hotel room that night, talking about what this meant.

I’ve gone “flailing about,” as Master likes to call it, a couple few times since this has began. Lost my space, my place, my submissive focus, done things that I shouldn’t have done. He’s been able to identify those times and bring me back to him. But what do you do when the Dominant is the one who’s lost? This dynamic doesn’t really lend itself to the submissive helping him get it back.

But that was then, this is now, and whatever was lost is now found, if this email can be taken as any indication:

I was looking over your rules earlier. I will send you an updated version, but I was struck by this final rule:

10. When we are together, I own you completely and totally. I control everything about you. You are my slut, my slave, and anything else I want you to be. You will do everything I ask without question or hesitation, both in private and in public. I don’t yet know what form this ownership and control will take, but it is mine to decide.

That’s going to be doubly true when I see you this week. I am going to take all of you, possibly more than you are ready to give. So be sure to be ready when I take it.

I am terrified and excited at the same time.

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Five Reasons I Know I’m Property

July 26, 2007

1. My Master has control over my dress – I dress first to please him, and only incidentally to please myself.

2. He has control over my behavior – I am bound to do anything and everything he asks of me, anytime and anywhere.

3. He has control over my body – and I have a mark of his ownership on my cheek right now.

4. He has control over my sexuality – I do not touch myself sexually or orgasm without his permission.

5. He has control over my mind – he makes me want things I never imagined myself wanting, like fucking myself with a shoe, or having my cunt spanked with a belt.

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Nipples

July 23, 2007

I am seeing my Master later today, so I have been forbidden to come for a few days. But I was instructed to masturbate last night, using only my upper body. Here’s what I wrote about it to him this morning.

As I moved around the bedroom packing, my anticipation about seeing you built and built. By the time I finished, I was quite aroused.

I knelt next to the bed, without touching myself, and just felt my submission. Felt that yearning in me to do anything to please you. And then, because I knew it would please you, I started moving my hands over my body. First just rubbing my skin, not touching anything that could be considered an erogenous zone. Then I started moving my hands lightly across my nipples. I ran my wrist across them, feeling the little tug of your bracelet catching on their points.

Then I started to play with my nipples in earnest. Both at once, guaranteed to drive me crazy with desire. I flicked, and twisted, pinched lightly. I licked my fingers and imagined them as tongues on my nipples, lamenting, as I always do, that my breasts just aren’t large enough for me to be able to suck on my own nipples.

With every flick of my fingers, it was like an electric current running straight from my nipples to my clit and my cunt. My cunt got wet, my clit fluttered and danced and begged me to touch it. I got hotter and hotter, and I kept going, thinking all the while not of what my fingers were doing, but of my mouth around your cock. Of my legs in the air over your shoulders, with your cock pounding into me while I cried. Of you spanking my cunt while I counted out each stroke for you. Of you flogging me as I writhed and moaned.

Fingers rubbing and squeezing, I spoke aloud, thanking you for owning me, thanking you for making me yours, thanking you for making me your slave girl. My pussy got hotter and hotter, my clit more and more demanding, and finally I just had to stop, it was too much. I dropped down into a lower kneeling pose to recover and catch my breath.

But I wasn’t done yet. I put my pajamas on and got into bed, and I started again, this time rubbing my nipples through my pajamas, the indirect sensation being easier to tolerate for longer. Thoughts of serving you filled my brain, and I grew more and more aroused. My pussy was on fire, flittering and jumping, begging me to touch it. Tensing and relaxing, trying to pull something – anything – inside of it to fill its aching need. My breath came faster and faster, I moaned and bucked, and the lightest touch of the sheet on my pussy pushed me ever higher. The intensity grew and grew, and finally I had to stop, for fear that I might actually come from that alone.

I held the palms of my hands tight against my nipples, still hard as nails, feeling them poking into my palms, inviting me to touch them more. I held my palms there for dear life, choosing with every second that passed to keep them there, to submit to you, to not listen to my begging cunt and its demands that I touch myself, just a little bit, give it just that little bit of pressure that would give it what it wanted, what it needed.

But I need to submit to you, and I do that by obeying. I do that by being denied. I do that by thinking of only you, and what you want, not what my hungry, greedy slut body wants.

Only after the fire was mostly slaked did I reach down below my waist. Not to touch my clit or masturbate in any way, but just to indulge my curiousity about my wetness, to feel the slickness against the smoothness of my freshly waxed, hair-free skin. I knew my pussy had been getting wetter and wetter as I tormented myself for you, and I touched the the outside of my labia around my opening to see what I had done. My finger came away coated with my slippery juices, and I licked them off, tasting my submission in salt and tang.

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Fantasy: A couple of quickies

July 19, 2007

Some quick fantasies from the last couple of days.

***

We are in Paris. You take me for a private fitting at a a very exclusive lingerie shop, where we have the entire place to ourselves. There, I am carefully measured and fitted, and I try on many different outfits that they have available, walking along the miniature catwalk and displaying myself to you. You pick out the items that most pleased you and place an order, then we leave.

A few days later, a package arrives at our hotel, containing your selections, sized just for me. There is also an address and a time for that evening. You dress me, in a beautiful bra and panty set under a black dress, and off we go. It turns out to be a very exclusive restaurant, and as we enter, they take your jacket and point me to a small dressing room, with instructions to take my dress off. I do, and as we enter the restaurant, I see that all the other couples are similarly attired. Women in beautiful lingerie are everywhere, seated on pillows at the feet of their Masters. We are shown to a table and are seated the same way.

***

We’re in a sex club, and I’m on my knees, wearing nothing but a lace bra and panties. And around my neck, a sign reading “Free Blowjobs (5 minute limit).” A line of men forms, waiting for me to service them. I do the best I can in 5 minutes, sucking, licking, using my hands, and then I’m on to the next one, the point of the time limit being for me to service as many men as possible. You are standing by with the stopwatch, and every so often you pet my hair, and lean down to whisper in my ear what a good girl I am being, doing this for you.

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Sub under glass

July 18, 2007

I get off very much on being an object to my Master. Although it makes me squirm and blush, I like very much when he appraises me, scrutinizing my every bit. Fortunately, he likes to look at me as well.

Before our last visit, he was out somewhere and saw a large glass table with tie points. He told me that he’d been fantasizing about putting a bench under that table, lying me on it spread eagle with my arms and legs tied, and then proceeding to eat a nice leisurely meal with me as his decoration.

The room we were staying in during our last visit had a coffee table of much the same design, and so it was that I found myself lying underneath it, naked, wrists and legs bound to to the corners. Master was sitting on the couch next to the table, with his laptop on the table, working. Occasionally I would notice him looking at me. Even more occasionally, he’d reach down under the table and stroke my hair or face.

I closed my eyes and concentrated on my submission to him, on pleasing him and serving him in this way. My thoughts soon started to wander, though, and I imagined being the centerpiece for a very special dinner party. I imagined a specially constructed glass table, with a platform underneath. I imagined being bound, naked, on that platform, while my Master entertained his friends at a dinner party. They were all laughing and chatting, while I lied silently beneath. Occasionally hands would reach under the table to pass me tidbits of food, let me lick wine off their fingers, pinch my nipples or my pussy lips, or stroke me until I squirmed and moaned.

It was a lovely fantasy, and I played with it in my head for a long time. By this time I was beginning to get a little uncomfortable, and as I shifted my position, I realized how open I was. My legs were bent at the knees, and tied to the table by straps around my thighs, leaving my cunt wide open. The size of the table meant it would be difficult for a person to get in there, but in my fantasy wanderings I imagined a family dog or cat wandering by for a sniff or a lick, and me helpless, unable to do anything about it. I imagined my Master laughing as I protested, amused at my helplessness and humiliation.

By this time my body was starting to get a little sore, and truth be told, I was getting a little bored. I opened my eyes and looked up through the glass at my Master, watching him working intently away, enjoying the opportunity to just watch him. I was fidgeting more now, trying to stretch out tense muscles, and just as I started to reach the point where I thought I might have to say something, he untied me and let me get out from under the table. And then I got to tell him all about what I had thought when I was there, under glass.

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Fucking up

July 16, 2007

I’m just a total fuck up of a submissive lately. I can’t seem to do anything right. Master has punished me and been disappointed with me and needed to correct me more this week than ever before. Every time I vow to do better, then I fuck something else up. I feel totally useless, and totally not worthy of him right now. It’s not like his requirements are that strict, but I still keep taking it on myself to bend the rules and reinterpret.

I am a very bad sub, and I hate myself right now.

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Anything, anywhere, anytime

July 15, 2007

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about limits, and obedience, and what it really means when I tell my Master that I would do anything he asked of me, anywhere and anytime. There are some unspoken but (I think) mutually understood limits on “anything, anywhere, anytime” – Master wouldn’t ask me to do anything that would harm my family or risk my job or out me to my neighbors, for example.

But that still leaves a lot of anythings, anywheres and anytimes. As I wrote about here, I used to think I was pretty safe, and that there wasn’t anything Master would ask of me that I wouldn’t be willing, even eager, to do. But now that I know that’s not true, I have to face the possibility that someday Master will order me to do something I really don’t want to do. Something that will really test my submission. Something that – if I refuse to do it – would mean that I was no longer his submissive and he no longer my dominant.

That’s the ultimate power that every dominant has over his submissive – to end the relationship. And that’s a pretty major power, and I’m sure many a submissive has found her hard limits suddenly not so firm when faced with that reality.

Thinking about this last night, I remembered a conversation Master and I had on his last visit. I had asked him what would happen if this (D/s) didn’t work out. If I couldn’t give him what he was asking for, couldn’t be the submissive he wanted me to be. And he said that he has to be willing to pull the plug – has to be willing to exercise the ultimate power – or I will never reach the profound and complete submission that he is demanding of me. But he also said that pulling the plug on our D/s relationship wouldn’t equal pulling the plug on us. We came to this from a pre-existing relationship, and we could go back to that.

One might think that this knowledge would weaken the threat of the ultimate power, make it easier for me to just say “no, I can’t do that” when faced with an order that I didn’t want to do, safe in the knowledge that I wouldn’t lose his love or affection. But instead, I feel like it makes it easier for me to choose to obey. Or, at least, makes that choice a purer choice – I am really choosing to submit, because I want and need to submit, because I want and need him as my Master and my owner, not out of fear of losing him.

Of course, I say that now, but my submission has never been put to such an extreme test. I am writing this now so that I will remember it if and when it is.