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i will obey my bedtime

March 24, 2010

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i just finished typing that subject line out 50 times, as part of my punishment for staying up past my bedtime last night. i was chatting with N just before bed, and got caught up in our phone conversation, and let the time slip away. And worse yet, didn’t let my Master know that i was doing it, so as far as he could tell, i just disappeared from online and never said good night.

When he got online this morning he let me know that he’d be punishing me for disobeying my bedtime. The lines were part of that. i also had to write him an apology and explanation of why it was important.

Writing up that apology brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me.

i am struggling right now, in the ever evolving flows of the peaks and valleys of my submission. i want to embrace opportunities for fun and connection with people. Dating N is bringing that to the forefront, certainly, but there are other times too when interactions with others butt up against agreements and responsibilities to my Master.  And i feel a lot of tension in those moments about obeying vs doing what i want to do.

And i struggle in those moments with trying to reconcile the reasons why for these constraints. The easy answer is that i can’t do these things because i am owned, and i’ve given the responsibility for making those decisions/ choices to my Master. But then i start pondering why i’ve given that responsibility to Him, why i have chosen to be owned, and things get very complicated in my head very quickly, and quite frequently in directions i don’t want my thoughts to be going.

There was a point in our history where submission was so ultimately fulfilling to me, that it overshadowed any other needs. But i don’t feel that in the same way now. So it’s easy for me to submit when it’s things i want to do or don’t mind doing. It’s much harder for me to submit when it means i have to say no to things that i do want to do. When i feel like stomping my feet like a little kid whose mother says she can’t watch one more TV show. In the place i’m at in my submission right now, it’s really hard for me to remember/ recognize/ feel/ experience the rewards from the denial, from doing the hard thing. And then i feel really bad for letting my Master down like i did last night, while still wanting to struggle against the constraints.

i love my Master so very very much. i really do.  He is a treasure in my life, in so many different ways, many of which my readers never see because they’re outside of the scope of what i talk about in the space. And i get frustrated with myself when i feel like i’m not giving back to Him as much as He gives to me, when i feel like i am letting Him down.

9 comments

  1. I think submission means the most to our Master’s, not when we’re doing it because we like it, but when we do it because we gave our word. When we’d much rather be doing something else. When we put aside our own wants for their will. I understand your inner turmoil and I wish you the best of luck through it *hugs*


    • My Master saw your comment and wrote to say that He agreed. 🙂

      My key problem is that i’m struggling to remember why i gave my word, to feel those emotions again.


  2. I know what that’s like. It can be very disappointing and disorienting.


  3. I read where you were going to begi to date and for me I felt it was the beginning of the end of something what I cant put my finger on it.
    We are emotional creatures and although I don’t know you personally I felt a pang in my heart when you wrote about dating others and being owned. It is a recipe for personal conflict (ONLY MY HUMBLE OPINION).

    I thought about my Dominant and I and regardless of what is going on with us I cannot and could not live with the thought of being with someone else let alone someone touching me in any way intimately I am owned right down to my thoughts.

    This lifestyle is so delicate so dynamic and powerful to trigger any action to ruin what I share with him would be a low personal death for me.

    I wish I could hug you and make you feel better but like all we do for the D/M’s we serve, you must follow your heart do what feels right or be doomed to emotional turmoil. I will be thinking of you Lyn in the most affectionate ways.
    Cari~


    • Thank you, Cari. i too have worried about dating someone else being the beginning of the end with my Master. But in this particular case, i’m pretty sure that’s not it. i haven’t been given liberty to write about it in this space before now, but these are feelings and challenges i’ve/we’ve been facing for a while now.

      This thing with N does not feel particularly dangerous – he’s not looking for a commitment, neither am i, and are schedules are such that we’re only seeing each other very occasionally. i’m pretty certain i am not going to fall in love with him. And i don’t have the same concerns you describe about intimate contact with people who aren’t my Master, and if anything, the increase in physical/sexual contact in my life makes me more of a sexual being for my Master, which enhances our dynamic.

      It’s been almost 3 years of long-distance 24/7 D/s, with a LOT of ups and downs and emotional turmoil on all sides throughout. i think i’m just getting a little tired of the struggles.


  4. ah, sweet friend, i appreciate your struggle. if it was easy would it be as meaningful?

    it brings to mind a recent event where i was invited to participate in a group suspension with friends. i had said yes to the invitation without seeking His approval, even with a visit to NY only five days later — it wasn’t a scene nor was it sexual, so i thought it benign. thankfully i gave more details and that i was one of the many to be suspended unless He wished otherwise… He *did* wish otherwise; while i could attend, i was not to receive any other’s intentional touch until Him. it was hard. i wanted to play with my friends, and i sure wanted the physical expressions of affections. but being there, binding myself tightly into a corset, and watching without touch served my Maker more than mere avoidance.

    still, there are those frustrations. the “wee child” wanting immediate gratification. i can really relate. my submission to my Maker is evolving from overwhelming need to exquisite want. as i grow in His purpose, my submission is becoming a matter of volition rather than compulsion. perhaps this is similar to your path?

    with a warm embrace, roxi


    • if it was easy would it be as meaningful?

      i used to say things like this a lot. Intellectually, it still makes sense. But right now, i feel like i’ve lost my link to the meaning. So it’s both not easy and not meaningful.

      Thank you for the support. i see my Master tomorrow, so i’m hoping that will help. i still very much look forward to serving Him in the ways i do when we are together – it’s the long-distance, 24/7 aspects that are difficult right now.


  5. please feel free to email me if you wish to talk.

    thinking of you.

    xo


  6. Wish this wasnt a dead blog i love it



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