i just finished typing that subject line out 50 times, as part of my punishment for staying up past my bedtime last night. i was chatting with N just before bed, and got caught up in our phone conversation, and let the time slip away. And worse yet, didn’t let my Master know that i was doing it, so as far as he could tell, i just disappeared from online and never said good night.
When he got online this morning he let me know that he’d be punishing me for disobeying my bedtime. The lines were part of that. i also had to write him an apology and explanation of why it was important.
Writing up that apology brought up a lot of thoughts and emotions for me.
i am struggling right now, in the ever evolving flows of the peaks and valleys of my submission. i want to embrace opportunities for fun and connection with people. Dating N is bringing that to the forefront, certainly, but there are other times too when interactions with others butt up against agreements and responsibilities to my Master. And i feel a lot of tension in those moments about obeying vs doing what i want to do.
And i struggle in those moments with trying to reconcile the reasons why for these constraints. The easy answer is that i can’t do these things because i am owned, and i’ve given the responsibility for making those decisions/ choices to my Master. But then i start pondering why i’ve given that responsibility to Him, why i have chosen to be owned, and things get very complicated in my head very quickly, and quite frequently in directions i don’t want my thoughts to be going.
There was a point in our history where submission was so ultimately fulfilling to me, that it overshadowed any other needs. But i don’t feel that in the same way now. So it’s easy for me to submit when it’s things i want to do or don’t mind doing. It’s much harder for me to submit when it means i have to say no to things that i do want to do. When i feel like stomping my feet like a little kid whose mother says she can’t watch one more TV show. In the place i’m at in my submission right now, it’s really hard for me to remember/ recognize/ feel/ experience the rewards from the denial, from doing the hard thing. And then i feel really bad for letting my Master down like i did last night, while still wanting to struggle against the constraints.
i love my Master so very very much. i really do. He is a treasure in my life, in so many different ways, many of which my readers never see because they’re outside of the scope of what i talk about in the space. And i get frustrated with myself when i feel like i’m not giving back to Him as much as He gives to me, when i feel like i am letting Him down.