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A question about difficult days

August 28, 2007

Over the weekend i had (yet another) “crisis of submission.” My Master sent me email telling me that from now one He wanted me to ask His permission to read any sex blogs (not just D/s), follow links on my referrer logs, and check back for replies to comments on other blogs. Each and every time, not just an occasional blanket permission that had been the case for a while.

i nearly burst into tears. Partly because when i saw His email, the original part led me to think He was going to allow me more freedom, not less, so there was a big mismatch in expectations. Also because it felt like i was being punished, and i hadn’t done anything wrong.

Really, it was a major overreaction to a small thing. It’s not the end of the world if i have to wait a half hour, or even half a day, to read Pretty Dumb Things. But it was just a part of another day of struggling with my submission. Another day of facing the harsh reality that it’s not about me, it’s about Him, and if He wants to constrain my reading because He wants to monitor it more closely, then that is His to do. And my part is to obey, and welcome it as an opportunity to serve Him and please Him. Even when i don’t feel like it.

Sometime i feel very freed by my submission – free to do things and dream things and be things that i never even imagined before. Other times i chafe at the constraints. And then i feel frustrated with myself. i feel like a failure as a submissive, and wonder why i’m even bothering to do this. Maybe i’m not really a submissive. I wrote to Him: “Nobody else writes about this stuff. Everybody else seems to imply that submission came completely naturally and was instantly fulfilling and they’ve been ecstatically happy since then.” He seems pretty sure that other subs have bad days too, but they just only right about the good bits – the scenes, the things that make them hot.

So… is he right? Do the rest of you have difficult days sometimes? Doubt yourselves? Feel like this is all work and not enough play?

Oh, and i should say that after some email and IM with Him, and some meditation and re-reading my mantras and old blog posts, and getting a good nights sleep, i woke up yesterday feeling completely at home and safe in my submission again. To the point where I really couldn’t even figure out what it was that had bothered me so much the previous day. So at least it was a short-lived crisis.

9 comments

  1. I think it’s very natural to struggle in your submission. A D/s relationship, like any other relationship, comes down to communication at its heart. And miscommunication is so easy! It’s hard to let the other person know what you want and to know what they, in turn, expect of you without blatantly and explicitly discussing it. Right now, D and I are starting a fledgling D/s relationship and a great deal of our communication deals with each others expectations. I don’t know that it ever gets easier…but maybe we wouldn’t like it so much if it did?


  2. i’m so glad you posted this entry.
    i most definitely struggle with my submission. i am in my first D/s relationship. i wasn’t looking for one, it sort of just happened. The relationship part naturally progressed to D/s, but my complete submission has been very difficult. It is what i want very much, but that doesn’t make it any easier.
    Just so you know you are not alone. i can’t imagine you and i are the only ones. 🙂


  3. Thank you both for your comments. It’s nice to know that i’m not alone.

    laani – i feel exactly the same as you do – my Master wants complete submission from me, and i want to very much to give Him that, but it’s not easy. i am looking forward to our next visit together, when He has promised that He will be demanding more of me than He has before, and really pushing my limits. i think that will help me make a breakthrough in some of the areas where i’ve been having difficulty.

    thursday’s child – communication is absolutely key, as you say! My Master and i have tripled or quadrupled the amount of email we are sending each other since before this began, because there’s just so much communication required to maintain the level of connection that we both need. And to avoid missed expectations.


  4. i think that many of the blogs i read, show how the sub struggles at various times. i find it very comforting as sometimes you think that they are just so perfect in their perfect worlds.

    reality is not like that, it is hard work, sometimes it is a doddle but at others it is a pain in the neck.

    I have been perfectly comfy in my submission for months with just a few off days but then i came on a course and my routine was completely altered and suddenly i felt like i was drifting. my rules felt redtrictive and i could feel myself getting stressed.

    Hopefully i will wake up in the morning and feel right again like you did.xxxx


  5. Thank you Katie! i hope you are feeling better now.

    *hugs*


  6. I consider my pretty dumb things more a blog with sex, rather than a blog of it.

    Feel free to avail yourself of that loophole.

    kissykiss,
    chelsea g


  7. Chelsea Girl – Great idea. But somehow i don’t think He’ll buy it…


  8. i have just found your blog and am reading through it. i am glad that i’m not the only one who has bad days.

    This is my first D/s relationship, the same as laani, i wasn’t looking for one, it found me. i’m glad it did though, as it is what i want and could never go back. But when i have off days i wonder if there is something wrong with me and why do i sometimes find it so hard.

    So it was good to read this in your blog. Thank you.


    • i’m glad it’s being helpful for you. i know it really helps me to read other’s blogs, so i’m always pleased when i can return hte favor.



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