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A meditation on patience and my place

August 19, 2007

I’ve been feeling a little off my game these past couple days. Master and i had exchanged a few emails Friday morning, and then i headed into work, expecting that He would be around to chat some more when i got there. But He wasn’t. And i got all mopey and bereft because of it. i wanted His attention. Expected it. i wrote Him a whiny little email, and once He got back online, He responded with this:

You’re going to have to rely on your center and your submission during these times. You cannot expect me to be there for you; you’re there for me.

i recognized that i was not thinking like a submissive. i apologized to Him for behaving like a spoiled child. i knew i was out of line, and talked to him about my continuing difficulties around old patterns of self interest and control. But still i held on to that sentence, and it burned me. What do you mean, this isn’t all about me?

Master asked me to write a meditation for these times, one about knowing my place and remembering my submission. And i couldn’t do it. i started reading through old mantras and meditations and emails, and feeling like a failure as a submissive, since many of those mantras deal with the same problems on my part. (As my Master says – this is my “hard”.) i began to question why i was even bothering, since it was obviously futile that i would ever be a proper submissive. In short, i was spinning out of control.

But Master caught me, as He always does, and helped me break through this big mental block i was stuck in. When i woke up this morning, there was a long email from Him, reminding me of why i needed to do this, and instructing me to just take a first step – write a small meditation, without judging myself, without worrying about if it was “right.” And still i struggled. i could come up with lots of words, but none that i could buy into, none that i could believe in, especially when i was feeling this way. i stared at the blank page, and stared some more. Then, finally something came to me. Three short sentences, but it was enough.

My Master is thinking about me always. But sometimes serving him means waiting patiently, letting go of selfishness and anxiety. He will return to me, because he was never really gone.

i sent it off to Him, and got my next set of instructions. “There are three thoughts here, each in its own sentence. The first is about me. The second is about you. The third is about the future. Turn each one into a few sentences.”

i focused on my submission, focused on what i had already written, and did as He asked. He had me expand a little bit in some places, and then it was done. This simple task that had been making me miserable for two days was done, and out of it i had a beautiful meditation. And a return of the peace and calm that comes to me when i am really submitting to Him.

A meditation on patience and my place

i know that my Master holds a piece of me in His heart, and that i am never far from His thoughts. This is true even when He has other things He must attend to, other realities He must live in. And instead of being resentful and childish at those times, i need to be patient. My patience is in service to Him as much as any task He sets me or demand He makes of me. i submit to Him when i let go of feelings of selfishness and anxiety and instead focus on feeling my submission, and expressing that submission through patience and letting go. i find security and peacefulness when i remember that He will return to me, because He was never really gone.

5 comments

  1. Patience is something I struggle with as well. My Master has also told me this is what I need to work on. Sometimes, it is maddening! But, we persevere, don’t we? And in the end, it is all worth while.
    Sym


  2. sym – It certainly can be maddening! But also fundamental, i think. Because what is impatience but putting our own wants above our Master’s? Which is exactly what we shouldn’t be doing as submissives.

    Of course, knowing it and living it are two different things…


  3. what more can i say, patience or the lack of it, is a killer. as you say lyn, knowing and doing are two very seperate things. BUT at least you (and me and sym to name a few) know what is happening so we can work on it.


  4. I too, am a long distance sub. How do you deal with the frustration of not having him there? And, being fairly new to the lifestyle, that is the hardest part for me, I think.
    Sym


  5. Master and i have been in a long-distance relationship for almost 5 years (only Master and slave for a few months, though). So i’m used to not being with him physically. Although i think we’ve spent more time together since He became my Master than we do in a whole typical year!

    We email each other – a lot. IM a little, talk on the phone, SMS. We stay very connected, and that helps. i have all of my daily rituals which remind me that i belong to Him.

    Master gave me some very useful feedback yesterday that relates to this. There’s a little bit more context to it that i’m not going to explain here, but i think you’ll get the gist of it:

    “And yes, you simply have to accept the feelings without being able to do anything about them. That is inherent in submissiveness. You might be kneeling at my feet, having all sorts of feelings, and not being permitted to do anything but kneel there. This is different, but it’s the same.”

    i thought this was really helpful advice in terms of allowing me to place my quelling my frustration within context of submission.\

    i hope that makes sense!



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