My orgasms are for my Master and at the pleasure of my Master

August 7, 2007

As part of my correction for my orgasmic indiscretion last night, I had to type out the subject line of this post 50 times and send it to my Master. Than I had to write to him about why this was so important to my submission. Here’s what I wrote:

There’s a lot of tension in our relationship around my orgasms – when I have them, how I have them, who controls them. Always has been really, even before our D/s relationship began. It’s like they’re this huge potent symbol of something. All fueled by my orgasmic deficiencies – we’d be having very different conversations about this if I was one of those “come when he looks at me” types. But I’m not, so they become this focus of control, and I keep trying to retain that control. Because I may be submissive, but I’m also human and we’re talking about the center of pleasure. But my orgasms sit at the intersection of all these things I have agreed belong to you – my sex, my body, my mind – yet I fight giving control of them to you. Fear, selfishness, desire all get in my way. I have pledged to give you myself, and to do that I must give it all to you. No halfway measures, no increments. No more having my orgasms lurking as the elephant in the room – will she, won’t she? It shouldn’t matter, unless you want it to. It shouldn’t be about me. My orgasms are for my Master and at the pleasure of my Master. They are yours, to give or deny as you desire, because you own me, heart, body, soul.

As I think is obvious from what I wrote, orgasms are not easy for me. Never have been. And figuring out how to manage that within the context of this new type of relationship is an ongoing challenge. Maybe typing those words 50 times will help me remember them this time.


  1. when i write this, i am not meaning to sound like a goody goody but in over a year with Sir, i have only had three orgasms that were not sanctioned by him.

    I love the fact that he controls my body, i love to beg him to let me touch my body, i even love it when he witholds them for days/weeks at a time. It is such a tangible way of belonging.

    I would like to say that this was because of my total submission and obedience but actually it is because the punishments for the first two offenses were so damn bad, i never felt tempted.

    Then it became somthing i loved , rather than something i fought.

    Hope this helps you in some way.

    katie xx

  2. Thanks for the comment, Katie. I’ve only done it twice myself, so maybe I’ll learn from this time and not have to go through this again. I know I am much happier when I give myself over to his control.

    I was really totally distraught about all of this last night – he’d told me to masturbate for butt plug day, but I was so afraid of doing it wrong, of not doing it submissively, that I didn’t even want to try. But then we had a good talk and I had a good cry and then I was able to give him the lovely submissive orgasm he’d asked for.

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