August 7, 2007

Best policy and all that, but damn, there are times when I hate having to be honest. It’s bad enough that I’ve fucked up, but then I have to tell him that I’ve fucked up. I hate disappointing him (then just don’t do the things that disappoint him, you stupid git!) and having to be the one to deliver the news that will make him disappointed just makes it so much worse. The temptation to lie or lie by omission is always there. Last night I forced an orgasm, just 15 or 20 minutes after my Master had reminded me I was allowed an orgasm if one presented itself, but I was not to seek one. And I don’t have any excuses – I knew what I was doing when I did it, and by the time I came I was so far out of subspace because I knew I was doing wrong that it didn’t even occur to me to ask him for permission (I usually ask aloud before I come, even if he’s not actually here to give me permission). Because I knew I didn’t have it.

And then this morning, I had to write to him about my nightly masturbation and meditation session. And while I had some things to say that I knew he would like, I had to go and spoil it all by confessing to my mistake. But D/s – particularly long-distance D/s – is built on trust and honesty, and the only way to make it real – to make it matter – is to tell him everything, even the things I don’t want to tell. Even if we’d both feel “better” for not telling.

Ugh. I’m sorry, sir.


  1. The temptation to take your lead from this post is strong but tehn I remind myself, this is about you not me or my particular submission.

  2. to tell or not to tell. There is no real option is there??

  3. katie – Not if I want to keep being His sub, His good little girl. It’s not written anywhere in my rules, but dishonesty is probably the cardinal sin for Him. And not just in not telling Him about things, but in what I tell Him too – He doesn’t want me to just say the things I think He wants to hear if I don’t feel them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: