August 5, 2007

I generally perceive myself as quite a competent person. I like being good at things, and I’m proud of my accomplishments. But I am becoming aware of ways in which my pride is at odds with my submission. My Master has recently sent me a newly revised set of rules, and I was reviewing them today. And number 8 jumped out at me.

8. You are to practice in your highest heels regularly. You should expect to have to walk in them when we’re together, and I expect you to walk properly and gracefully.

I am much, much better at walking (and performing in other ways) wearing heels now than I was 3 months ago. I’ve tended to feel quite proud of my accomplishment. “Look at me, Master, look how well I’m doing in my shoes. Aren’t you proud of me?” Begging to be recognized for my prowess, my accomplishment.

And therein lies the problem – *my* accomplishment. This thing that I’ve done should not be my focus. If there’s something to be proud of here, it should be performing to my Master’s expectations, obeying his rules, and pleasing him. I’m realizing that I’m still much too focused on myself, still approaching my submission from the wrong angle, still thinking to much about what’s in it for me, and not really putting him first in all things.

I’m not going to beat myself up about it, but I will be trying to pay better attention to where my focus should be, and continue trying to be the submissive that my Master needs me to be, and that I need to be. Figuring out how to be a good submissive, without being so proud about being one that it makes me less of one.

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