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Pride before the fall

July 10, 2007

Once my Master and I started down this path, I started reading D/s blogs. I’m currently not allowed to read them (soon, he tells me), but when I was, I used to read about subs who came or masturbated without permission, and I’d think to myself that I would never do that, that I would just stop, that I couldn’t understand how someone who said she was submissive wouldn’t be able to do the same, or would purposefully do something she knew she wasn’t allowed to do. I understand now how it happens.

Master and I were both traveling with our spouses this weekend, and had very limited contact. After a couple of days of not connecting by phone, we had planned to talk last night. We have just recently discovered the joy that is phone sex, and knowing that we were planning to talk later, I had been fantasizing on the drive home about being able to masturbate on the phone with him and receive his permission to have an orgasm. But something had happened on his end, and he wasn’t responding to my SMS messages.

I went upstairs for my nightly tasks. Each night I am required to spend some time on my knees meditating on my submission and his ownership of me. Most of the time I am also to masturbate for him, but not with the intention to orgasm. My goal in masturbation is to “feel the fundamental eroticism of my submission.” I may take an orgasm if the opportunity presents itself, but my focus is to be on him, not on attempting to achieve orgasm.

After all my fantasizing, last night, I really wanted an orgasm. In addition to the arousal, I’m on my period, and orgasm helps with my cramps. Once I started my kneeling meditation, that increased my arousal even more. Knowing that I *wanted* an orgasm, and with my Master unavailable, I wasn’t sure what to do about my masturbation requirement. I thought about not masturbating at all, but I figured that after days of not being able to, he would want me to do so to help me re-center myself in my submission. I debated with myself while my cunt shouted for my attention.

In the end, I decided to masturbate, and thought to myself that I would use only the dildo and nipple stimulation, and focus on him as much as possible. If I could come without any clitoral stimulation, then I’d be improving my range of sexual response for him and figured that would be okay.

As I masturbated, I did think of him, of serving him, of being submissive to him, but mostly in a general way rather than the focused way that makes masturbation much more an act of submission. I was definitely trying to have an orgasm – albeit under the constraints I had set for myself, but trying nonetheless. Which is what I am NOT supposed to do. I came very close to coming just from nipple and dildo stimulation, but I couldn’t quite manage it. As I lay there, with the dildo still inside of me, and my body soooo hungry for an orgasm, my hand moved to my clit and I quickly and guiltily finished myself off. And then immediately felt awful for having done so.

Looking at it today, I see mistake after mistake. First of all, thinking WAAAAY to much, setting all those constraints, doing all that bargaining with myself instead of just submitting in accordance to the rules he has laid out for me. And then, of course, just making bad decisions, decisions that are in direct conflict to the only decision that is mine to make and that I have already made, which is my choice to submit to him. I know now how this happens to other submissives. My need, my desire was just so great, that I let it get in the way of my good judgment, of my submission, and I feel just horrible about it today.

I emailed him about it first thing this morning (much of this blog post is taken directly from my email to him). I was thoroughly chastised for it, although he was somewhat understanding because he knew that being so disconnected over the weekend would have made it hard for me to stay grounded in my submission. But that understanding didn’t prevent him from punishing me. I was at work today, and he instructed me to get a roll of packing tape and tape my ankles together. I had to keep them that way except for lunch and meetings, and request permission to remove the tape in order to go to the bathroom. He certainly accomplished his goal, which was to focus me on my submission, and while it was a little humiliating and awkward, it ended up being very positive for me and I feel in a much better place today because of it. In addition to the tape punishment, I’m not allowed to touch myself sexually for at least the next two days and I have a writing exercise to do. Speaking of which, that’s what I need to do now.

5 comments

  1. My Amy and I started with a long distance relationship, from opposite sides of the continent. The distance is very hard to endure.

    Orgasm restrictions were one of the earliest things I put on her, much like yourself.

    Thanks for sharing your story!


  2. Thanks for commenting! Your (and Amy’s) blog is one of my favorites – I’m looking forward to next week, when I get to start reading it again!


  3. Oh, I masturbate without permission non-stop, actually. Just don’t tell him. Frailty, thy name is woman. (Like today twice, for instance). But I should make a disclaimer that we don’t have a true D/s relationship, and he doesn’t care that much. It does nothing for ego or whatever.


  4. when i first started with the rule of not being allowed to even touch without permission, i hated it. i was used to masturbating two or three times a day and i found it so hard. I fell off the wagon several times. the last time, the whipping was so severe, i have never fell off again. It is now one of my favourite things about belonging to him, that it reminds me that my body is not mine anymore. Just wish i could have made that discovery before the whipping lol


  5. katie – I never used to be a huge masturbator – once a day at the most, usually just before bed to help me fall asleep. But now that my Master is keeping me aroused and aware of my sexuality all the time, I’m much more likely to want to touch myself. And of course, now I can’t! Oh, the irony…

    His rules for me about orgasms and masturbation are the ones that have shifted around the most. Unlike every other sub I read about (or so it seems) having orgasms is really hard for me, so it’s been a challenge for my Master to figure out how to work with that limitation.



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