h1

Rule 1

July 3, 2007

Last week I broke Rule 1, yet again, doing some research on SM clubs in a city my Master and I might be visiting without asking him for permission first. And, compounding the mistake, not telling him about it until several days later. I have a chronic problem with Rule 1, which reads:

1. I own your sexuality, and I want to know everything that happens to it. You’ve been mostly good about writing to me in the morning about the previous night, but I expect more than that. When you told me that you told (friend) you wanted to kiss her, I felt betrayed that you didn’t tell me immediately. In the future, I want to know about everything: every sexual thought, every sexual deed. In detail. Everything.

As my punishment, Master instructed me to write an essay for him, demonstrating that I understand why Rule 1 is important, and telling him why I have such a hard time with it, and how I’m going to do better in the future. Here’s my answer:

Rule 1 is important because, while submission is not about sex, my sexuality is a huge part of me and of the way I have given myself to you as your submissive. It is yours to control, but you can’t do that if I keep it to myself. It is a major part of my submission to reveal everything to you about my sexual self. I know I haven’t been very good at it, and it’s really not because I’m purposefully withholding. You say that it’s not a behavior modification, but it is, and it’s a huge one. I need to evaluate every thought I have, and every thing I do to decide whether I need to tell you. When I’m in a hurry, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I am not mindful of that, and that’s when I let you down. I also think that I still fall victim to “not wanting to bother you” about some things. But I understand that it is not my job to decide what you would and wouldn’t care about – my job is just to tell you. It’s about paying attention. It’s about being mindful. It’s about really putting you first in my thoughts. It’s about giving you the same control of my mind that I have given you of my body. I think the key to doing better is finding the right balance between trying and not trying. When I try too hard, I fight my submission. When I can fully embrace my submission, everything becomes easier. I will remember that, and do all I can to be the submissive you have faith I can be.

2 comments

  1. Don’t you just hate essays?? My brain shuts down when I am ordered to write on a specific topic (especially if I am in trouble).

    You did a great job though! Thanks for sharing.

    brooke


  2. I like your esssay.

    Well written, and captures the point exactly.



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