June 18, 2007

I knelt next to the bed to think about our time together. I tried to think of other hot memories to share with you, as requested, but instead I kept getting stuck on something. Which is that at first, at the club, I was having trouble getting into the proper space. My mind was racing, I was wanting to lead, to take control. I managed to keep my outward presentation mostly in line, but inside I was spinning.

At the time, I wanted to tell you. Well, I wanted to ask you to do a specific thing that I knew would help me to reach that space. But I couldn’t think of a way to ask it appropriately, so I stayed silent and tried to reach it on my own. And once you took me into the back room, I did get there, so it’s not like it was a long-term problem. But I realized last night all the mistakes I had made in the beginning. Certainly I could have asked “Sir, I’m having trouble finding my place, could you please help me?” Instead, in my internal dialog anyway, I was steering – wanting to ask for a specific thing (pain) rather than just opening up my need to you. And then, when I decided to just try to reach it on my own, I was taking control of that process, and as you have pointed out to me before, the contradiction inherent in that means it doesn’t work well.

I am learning. Slowly but surely, I am learning.

After that sudden burst of understanding, I was ready to come for you. I put on the highest heels. I rubbed my clit, then used the vibrator while I rubbed my nipples. I took off a shoe and fucked myself with it while I used the vibrator on my clit and propped my purple dildo against the nightstand so I could take it deep in my mouth. Through it all, my orgasm would ebb and flow, never reaching a peak. I took the shoe out and licked it off, and switched to using the g-spot attachment for my vibrator with my finger on my clit. Which felt good, but didn’t get me any closer to coming. That’s when I realized (again – last night was a night for realizations) what it was that I was doing wrong. I was focused on coming, focused on building the right set of sensation to have an orgasm. But what I needed was to focus on you. My orgasm is not about me or for me, it is about you and for you. I put the purple dildo in my cunt, fucking myself deep and hard, like you fuck me. The vibrator was at my clit, and I thought about you fucking me on the couch. Thought about you shoving that shoe deep, deep into my mouth, so deep that I thought I might gag. Mercilessly, because you needed to do it, needed me to take it. Thought about you taking my breath, because that too is yours. And then my “please, please, please sir” was spilling out of my lips and I came and came and came for you.

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