Hard Week

It’s been a really rough week. My Master and i have both been very busy, and our schedules have rarely aligned. Early in the week my Master told me to put my buttplug in, and i had to admit that i’d failed to put my toy bag into the purse i was carrying that day. He’s not been having me use my toys hardly at all, and i’ve gotten lazy about making sure i have them with me. So it was completely my fault, and i expected to be punished.

But the punishment He gave me was something that i just couldn’t do. i tried to think it through, figure out how to make it work without it being a real problem for my personal and professional life, and i just couldn’t do it.  And i felt horrible about it, knowing that i had disappointed Him. i still feel horrible about it. And because of our schedules, we have not really had time to talk about it, if He is even willing to talk about it.

Between that and some other things that are going on regarding my modes of conversation and level of “agreeableness,” i feel like He is always either upset or angry with me, or disappointed in me.  i feel like i just can’t do anything right, and don’t deserve to be His submissive.

All of this is happening leading up to a visit. i get to see Him in 3 days. i miss Him tremendously. i want to show Him that i can be His good girl. i feel lucky that i get to see Him – after the week we’ve had, i spent half the time wondering if He’d tell me not to bother getting on the plane Wednesday.

But i do get to see Him. And i have never craved punishment as much as i am craving it now. i need for Him to do something so that i can be forgiven and we can move forward, because i am just feeling so awful all the time now, and i can’t be a good submissive to Him that way either.

i hope that this visit will be renewing and reconnecting. i hope i can find that inner core of my submission, and bring it back up to the surface, and show my Master that i really do want to be His good girl. But it is all being really hard for me right now, and i don’t feel very confident in myself.

Naughty Sub

i’m supposed to go without panties on the first day after my period ends. This month’s period was sorting of dragging along, and by the time i was sure i was done – yesterday – it didn’t seem like the first day after my period anymore, and i forgot the rule.

Late in the afternoon, i got an email from my Master asking why i was wearing panties, and i had to admit that i’d forgotten. He told me to take my panties off and shove them down my pants. i had to wear them like that for the rest of the day/evening. Fortunately, i was wearing tight-ish jeans, so i didn’t have to worry about them going anywhere. But not so tight that there was too much of an obvious lump.

The punishment certainly kept me aware of my cunt and my mistake and my submission, and i was very aroused and wet when i was finally able to take them out of my pants as i got ready for bed last night.

Thank You, Sir.

Service through injustice

Early last week, my Master gave me instructions to wear a particular outfit to work the next day. But i didn’t have the hosiery he was looking for, so he let me wait until i could go shopping. Then i got sick, and it’s a few days later before i’m able to pull together the outfit that he wanted. i was so excited that morning, dressing for Him, with a new jacket i knew He’d love to complement the rest of the outfit.

Except i wore the wrong shoes.

He said Oxfords, i read Mary Janes, and had that firmly implanted in my brain as what i was supposed to wear with my pretty new patterned hose. i never went back to the original email to double check the instructions, because i “knew” what they were, and it can be hard to find one specific email amidst the hundreds we send.

But i did dash off a quick request for confirmation to my Master. “The rest of the outfit is new black skirt and black Mary Janes, right?” He wrote back saying he’d been thinking the gray skirt, but the black would be fine, and i went upstairs to get dressed.

A couple hours later, i’m at work, i send him the pictures, and i have one extemely unhappy Master. He’s been waiting on this outfit for days, and he’s going to be on a trans-Atlantic flight later that day, so – while i can fix it and take the right pictures when i get home – he’s going to be traveling and not able to see them.

He’s annoyed and frustrated, and he takes it out on me. i can tell He’s disappointed and upset as i read His instructions – a long apology from me, then 50 lines of “i will pay better attention to my instructions,” then another long apology.  And “I might punish you more later,” he says.

My first reaction was injustice.  “Sure, i hadn’t gone back and read the email, but i’d confirmed the outfit with Him that morning,” i thought indignantly . But we have been talking a lot about punishment and letting go. That accepting punishment – particular for something that was out of my control or that i don’t think i deserved – was a way of letting go of control.

i wasn’t quite capable of completely letting go – i did have to send a contrite but defensive “i know i should have done better, but i checked with You this morning!” email first. But then i looked inside myself, and found a way to write a sincere and submissive apology, while simultaneously accepting that it was perhaps a mostly injust punishment. After all, i should have been more attentive to His instructions in the first place.

As i wrote out my 50 lines i began to understand that this was less about fault, and more about my Master taking out his frustrations on me. And – here’s the epiphany – that accepting that punishment, letting Him lash out a little, was an act of service and submission. He needed to work out His emotions, and i was His canvas to do that, and the punishment his medium. With that thought, those 50 lines became a meditation on submission and service, rather than injust make-work. When i finished, i was able to write an even more sincere and submissive apology.

Not very much later, He mentioned in an email to me that accepting the blame, letting him take out his frustrations, was a way of submitting. To which i could reply that i’d already figured that out, and thank Him for showing me a different way to serve Him.

Ominous Counting

There’s a lot of ominous counting going on in my life right now. It started when i missed my bedtime one night, and Master replied with an emailing saying “Let’s keep count then. That’s 1.”

i’m up to four now. 2 was forgetting to send Him a description or pictures of the clothes i was wearing. 3… well, i probably should gotten multiple numbers for 3, because i was needy and selfish and not behaving as a submissive should, and well, the less said about that the better. 4 i just got right now, for forgetting my smartballs at home. And really, coming off the heels of 3 just yesterday, i should have been on my absolute best behavior and dotting all my i’s and crossing all my t’s, not being sloppy, so i’m really disappointed in myself for not doing better.

On the positive side, i’m also counting down the number of days until i see my Master again, and that number is now a joyous 3. i expect i’ll find out then what this ominous counting is going to translate into, and in the meantime, i really really need to be on my best slavegirl behavior and not let the ominous number get any higher.

Body Betrayal, Part 2

(Read Part 1)

i sent off my morning email to my Master, admitting my mistake, and begging for his forgiveness and correction. His response put a flicker of fear into my heart.

I’ll work on your punishment later, but this was the last orgasm you’ll be allowed to have this year.
Touch yourself and make sure you’re still wet.

The flicker, of course, from that first line – this aroused, and no orgasm for at least 5 days? And that’s NOT my punishment? Oh boy.

i was still wet, of course. Dripping wet. Wet as i dressed for Master, choosing clothes that would make for a particularly nice photo session for Him, including a sheer black g-string and matching bra. Wet as i gathered up my butt plug and lube, and ankle cuffs and a clip to bind my legs together. Wet and fantasizing all manners of use and abuse during my drive to the office.

Once there, He had me start with my little butt plug. This one is so small that i mostly just find it annoying – it slips out, and bends, and just doesn’t do much of interest. But after wearing it for a half hour i was allowed to put in my larger plug, something i had been craving for a couple of days. Ahhh…. lovely.

My Master teased and taunted me all day long – making me check my wetness regularly then reminding me constantly that i wouldn’t be able to come until the new year. Having me rub my nipples, and take and send lots of pictures – all things guaranteed to keep me in a high state of arousal.

Even though it’s not usually required, that day i felt like i needed to ask Him for permission to use the bathroom. i am His piss slut, after all. He gave it, reminding me to listen to my heels clicking on the floor as i walked there, their clicks calling me “slut, slut, slut.” In the bathroom i peed for Him, remembering that i am His piss slut. My panties were soaked with my cunt juices, and their glistening on the fabric was too much for me. i finished peeing, and leaned over, pulled the panties to my mouth, and licked off those delicious juices.

And so the day went on. i don’t know what had come over me, but i was utterly possessed by a wanton, horny, dirty slut. i begged to do things i had only previously imagined – some that i had never even imagined before. A conversation about His intention to someday have me piss my pants led to me suggesting that these sheer panties i was wearing wouldn’t hold much liquid, and i could probably pee right through them without any wetness coming through my pants afterwards. And then begging him to let me do that.

in the bathroom, i pulled my pants down, leaving my panties on. i played with my nipples as i peed my panties, feeling the wetness gather in the panties before spilling over. i was incredibly aroused, and when i finished peeing, i pulled my panties down, leaned over, and sucked my piss from the crotch, the taste of it mingling with the taste of my cunt juices.

i pulled my damp panties back up, and then my jeans over them, the dampness against my crotch reminding me of what i am – a horny slut who is submissive, wet, and eager to please her Master. A horny slut looking forward to a rare private evening at home, with lots of time for her Master to play with her.

(Read Part 3)

A spanking story

The other day, my Master told me that He wanted a fantasy in His inbox when He woke up – no excuses – and that i’d better make it one that He’d like. i had a really hard time coming up with something to write about – being made to write on command gives me performance anxiety like nothing else! i wished for a moment that we were like those couples for whom physical punishment was part of the dynamic – where if i didn’t follow His instructions, i’d get some theoretically awful (but ultimately delicious) punishment. But my punishments run to cold showers instead, and i really hate disappointing my Master (even aside from the cold shower part!) But now that i was thinking about punishment, i finally had something to write about.

***

“Get over here,” You commanded, and i moved quickly to kneel in front of You.

“You’ve been a very bad girl, and disappointed me. You know what happens to bad girls, don’t you?”

“Yes, Sir,” i muttered quietly. “Bad girls get a spanking.”

“That’s right,” You said, and You pulled me up onto your lap, over your knee. Then You pulled my short schoolgirl skirt up (not that it needed much up) and pulled my lace panties down around my knees.

“Ten to begin, I think,” You said. “Count them for me.”

And then Your hand struck my bare bottom. Hard. This was not play. This was not a warm up. This was punishment for disappointing my Master. i yelped, but followed that up with a quick “One!”

By the time You reached ten, i could feel the heat radiating off my bottom, and i could imagine that it must be quite pink.

“What do you have to say for yourself, slavegirl?”

“Your slavegirl is very, very sorry, Sir. Please forgive me for my mistake?” i muttered meekly.

“I don’t think you’re nearly contrite enough yet,” You said. “Let’s see what I can do about that.”

And with that, You picked up a hard wooden paddle and began to spank me with it. i cried out in pain, and my body involuntarily tried to pull away, to escape the paddle on my behind.

“Stop squirming,” You commanded, and i did, steeling myself to stay in position, breathing deeply as You continued to spank my sore red bottom, alternating between the heavy thud of the paddle and the quick sting of your hand.

You hadn’t asked me to count, and i couldn’t have, i was so lost in the red hot pain, barely capable of breathing, but relying on those breaths to guide me through the pain. Eventually i began to shake, and then to cry, and then i was begging You between my sobs.

“Please, please, please, Sir, please forgive me. i promise i won’t do it again. i promise i’ll do anything You ask, be Your perfect slavegirl. i’m so sorry i disappointed You, please Sir, please forgive me.”

You never stopped spanking me as i sobbed out those words, but as my words evolved into simply moans, You stopped. And pulled me into Your arms. And kissed me deeply.

“Yes, my dearest slavegirl, i do forgive you.”

Pride before the fall

Once my Master and I started down this path, I started reading D/s blogs. I’m currently not allowed to read them (soon, he tells me), but when I was, I used to read about subs who came or masturbated without permission, and I’d think to myself that I would never do that, that I would just stop, that I couldn’t understand how someone who said she was submissive wouldn’t be able to do the same, or would purposefully do something she knew she wasn’t allowed to do. I understand now how it happens.

Master and I were both traveling with our spouses this weekend, and had very limited contact. After a couple of days of not connecting by phone, we had planned to talk last night. We have just recently discovered the joy that is phone sex, and knowing that we were planning to talk later, I had been fantasizing on the drive home about being able to masturbate on the phone with him and receive his permission to have an orgasm. But something had happened on his end, and he wasn’t responding to my SMS messages.

I went upstairs for my nightly tasks. Each night I am required to spend some time on my knees meditating on my submission and his ownership of me. Most of the time I am also to masturbate for him, but not with the intention to orgasm. My goal in masturbation is to “feel the fundamental eroticism of my submission.” I may take an orgasm if the opportunity presents itself, but my focus is to be on him, not on attempting to achieve orgasm.

After all my fantasizing, last night, I really wanted an orgasm. In addition to the arousal, I’m on my period, and orgasm helps with my cramps. Once I started my kneeling meditation, that increased my arousal even more. Knowing that I *wanted* an orgasm, and with my Master unavailable, I wasn’t sure what to do about my masturbation requirement. I thought about not masturbating at all, but I figured that after days of not being able to, he would want me to do so to help me re-center myself in my submission. I debated with myself while my cunt shouted for my attention.

In the end, I decided to masturbate, and thought to myself that I would use only the dildo and nipple stimulation, and focus on him as much as possible. If I could come without any clitoral stimulation, then I’d be improving my range of sexual response for him and figured that would be okay.

As I masturbated, I did think of him, of serving him, of being submissive to him, but mostly in a general way rather than the focused way that makes masturbation much more an act of submission. I was definitely trying to have an orgasm – albeit under the constraints I had set for myself, but trying nonetheless. Which is what I am NOT supposed to do. I came very close to coming just from nipple and dildo stimulation, but I couldn’t quite manage it. As I lay there, with the dildo still inside of me, and my body soooo hungry for an orgasm, my hand moved to my clit and I quickly and guiltily finished myself off. And then immediately felt awful for having done so.

Looking at it today, I see mistake after mistake. First of all, thinking WAAAAY to much, setting all those constraints, doing all that bargaining with myself instead of just submitting in accordance to the rules he has laid out for me. And then, of course, just making bad decisions, decisions that are in direct conflict to the only decision that is mine to make and that I have already made, which is my choice to submit to him. I know now how this happens to other submissives. My need, my desire was just so great, that I let it get in the way of my good judgment, of my submission, and I feel just horrible about it today.

I emailed him about it first thing this morning (much of this blog post is taken directly from my email to him). I was thoroughly chastised for it, although he was somewhat understanding because he knew that being so disconnected over the weekend would have made it hard for me to stay grounded in my submission. But that understanding didn’t prevent him from punishing me. I was at work today, and he instructed me to get a roll of packing tape and tape my ankles together. I had to keep them that way except for lunch and meetings, and request permission to remove the tape in order to go to the bathroom. He certainly accomplished his goal, which was to focus me on my submission, and while it was a little humiliating and awkward, it ended up being very positive for me and I feel in a much better place today because of it. In addition to the tape punishment, I’m not allowed to touch myself sexually for at least the next two days and I have a writing exercise to do. Speaking of which, that’s what I need to do now.

Rule 1

Last week I broke Rule 1, yet again, doing some research on SM clubs in a city my Master and I might be visiting without asking him for permission first. And, compounding the mistake, not telling him about it until several days later. I have a chronic problem with Rule 1, which reads:

1. I own your sexuality, and I want to know everything that happens to it. You’ve been mostly good about writing to me in the morning about the previous night, but I expect more than that. When you told me that you told (friend) you wanted to kiss her, I felt betrayed that you didn’t tell me immediately. In the future, I want to know about everything: every sexual thought, every sexual deed. In detail. Everything.

As my punishment, Master instructed me to write an essay for him, demonstrating that I understand why Rule 1 is important, and telling him why I have such a hard time with it, and how I’m going to do better in the future. Here’s my answer:

Rule 1 is important because, while submission is not about sex, my sexuality is a huge part of me and of the way I have given myself to you as your submissive. It is yours to control, but you can’t do that if I keep it to myself. It is a major part of my submission to reveal everything to you about my sexual self. I know I haven’t been very good at it, and it’s really not because I’m purposefully withholding. You say that it’s not a behavior modification, but it is, and it’s a huge one. I need to evaluate every thought I have, and every thing I do to decide whether I need to tell you. When I’m in a hurry, when I’m feeling overwhelmed, I am not mindful of that, and that’s when I let you down. I also think that I still fall victim to “not wanting to bother you” about some things. But I understand that it is not my job to decide what you would and wouldn’t care about – my job is just to tell you. It’s about paying attention. It’s about being mindful. It’s about really putting you first in my thoughts. It’s about giving you the same control of my mind that I have given you of my body. I think the key to doing better is finding the right balance between trying and not trying. When I try too hard, I fight my submission. When I can fully embrace my submission, everything becomes easier. I will remember that, and do all I can to be the submissive you have faith I can be.

Apology

Dear Master,

I have been a very bad submissive, and did not give you the consideration that is your due as my Master and owner. I am deeply sorry and beg for your forgiveness.

I put my own needs and desires over yours, which is something I must never do. I am yours, in body, soul, and mind, and it is my obligation to consider your needs and desires in my every action. I didn’t do that last night and I am heartsick at having disappointed you.

You are my everything – I love you always and completely. More than anything. I have promised to do anything and everything you asked of me, but then I didn’t do the one very simple thing you asked of me – to make a phone call. I thought then that it was just a small thing, but I realize now that I was a huge violation of the spirit of our agreement.

Please, please forgive me sir? Please allow me to continue to serve you, and to be your good little girl again? Being owned by you means more to me than I ever imagined it could, and the thought of losing that devastates me. I would promise to do anything you asked of me in order to make it up to you, but you already have that promise from me. And despite my recent actions, I really do mean it. I really am yours, and I really will do anything for you, anything you ask of me. No matter how painful, humiliating or degrading, if those are the things that will bring me back into your good graces again, then I will do them eagerly. Beg you for them. In just a few short days, I will be able to demonstrate that commitment to you in person, and I know that I need to do that now more than ever.

I love you, always and completely. I am so, so sorry, sir. Please let me be your good little girl again? Please let me make this up to you in any way that I can? Please teach me and guide me so that I will be better able to serve you in the future, so that I can learn better how to make my actions reflect what is truly in my heart.

Yours,
sub lyn