Meaning from the Meaningless

My Master and i have been talking a lot lately about the nature of Dominance and submission. How, if you look too closely at it, it can all seem vaguely ridiculous. But if you just DO, instead of think, there’s tremendous comfort and meaning to be found in the ridiculousness.

My Master likens it to spirituality – you just have to have faith. Faith that these things matter, and that they draw us closer to one another. Since neither of us are spiritual persons, this is a stretch for us. But i feel it, when i let go concern, let go of feeling silly for writing Him an email filled with submissive cliches about how grateful i feel to Him for letting me serve Him, for taking me on this journey that has added so much meaning to my life. He feels it, when as in a line from one of our favorite blog posts, he “tells me do impossible things just so he can watch me try.”

D/s – at least for us – is about making meaning from the meaningless. It’s about context. It’s about sexualizing and eroticizing the everyday and the mundane. The D/s dynamic gives meaning to the actions. And then there’s a feedback loop, as the actions reinforce the meaning. And that dynamic works separately, and intertwined, in both of us.

Maintaining the feedback loop can be hard for us, because of our distance, our busy lives, the many things that can take our attention away from one another. But i am happier – my submission more natural and more fulfilling – when i am able to do it. When i can see every action through the lens of my submission and my Master. This is easy when i am doing things for Him – taking my daily pictures, meditating on my knees – but it doesn’t have to stop there. When i strive to do well in my professional life, i do it in part to represent Him well and make Him proud of me. It’s not my only motivation, but it’s an important one. When i find myself wondering or worrying if my Master would approve of my behavior, i should take heed of that internal warning. When i let my submission surround me and fulfill me without self-consciousness, i serve Him as well as i do on my knees with His cock in my mouth.

Hi, my name is lyn, and i’m an overthinker.

My Master regularly accuses me (and correctly so) of overthinking. The other night we had a miscommunication about my trying on some clothes we’d ordered and sending Him pictures, and i overthought myself into NOT trying them on because He wasn’t online, despite Him telling me that i should. When He came back on, after spending on hour looking forward to seeing the pictures, i was already in bed, and He was one very disappointed Master.

More frequently, it comes in the context of  Him telling me to just “be/act submissive,” and me getting all caught up in worrying that i don’t know how. What i’m worried abou really, is doing it *wrong*. i have a little bit of an obsession with doing things right, and right the first time. i don’t like learning curves, and the fact that i struggle sometimes with my submission frustrates me.

Which is, of course, the completely wrong way to think about it, because submission is a journey, not a destination. And, the first lesson He taught me (and continues to try to teach me, slow learner that i am, at least on this topic) is that submission is about letting go.  And overthinking is pretty much the antithesis of submitting.

Coming out of this most recent overthinking debacle, my Master instructed me to write him something about overthinking. “It doesn’t have to be long,” he said. “It can be  stream of consciousness. But it has to be before you go to bed tonight.”

i got two sentences written before i started overthinking about overthinking, so i stopped there and sent it on to Him. As short and sweet as it is, i think it’s a pretty good mantra for those times where i find myself struggling to figure out what to do.

Sometimes i try to hard to figure out what exactly You want from me, and that keeps me from doing anything. Where it would be better for me to just do it, and accept correction or adjustment from You if i was mistaken or didn’t get it quite right.

Let go. Let go of outcomes. Do my best, with submission and pleasing my Master as my goal, and accept that sometimes i will do it wrong. And that that’s okay.

Thank You, Sir.

Submissive need

i need to be Your submissive all the time. i need to submit to You in every way that You ask of me, whenever and wherever You ask it. i need to feel that i am of good use to You. i want to be open and yielding and taken and owned. Completely and relentlessly.

i want to give up myself to You, to give over control to You. To be Yours in every way i can be, and to find the peace and contentment and purpose that being owned by You brings. i want to not have to question or wonder, but simply obey and please You by doing so.

Is Statements

Tuesday night was a rough night for me. i was just in a down mood, and a phone conversation with my Master didn’t help. Later we ended up talking on IM, and i was really sad and a little angry too. Tears were running down my face as i typed, expressing all of the frustration and pain that comes with all the unrequited (and unrequitable) want that bounds our relationship.

Wednesday, i felt much better. And by Thursday, i could actually look at the experience with some perspective. i had been deriding myself a little for breaking down, but by Thursday i didn’t feel guilty or bad about my emotions anymore. This *is* a difficult thing we are managing. It *is* hard to live with so much want all the time. And it *is* still wonderful and glorious and something i don’t want to lose. But sometimes i am going to need to feel and to process the emotions that go with the first couple of “is” statements. And that’s okay.

Focus

When i think about myself, my wants and needs, i flounder and flail. It all seems impossible. i question my choice, question my submission, question this path. But when i turn my mind to You, when i turn my mind to obedience and acceptance and devotion to Your needs, then i find calm and peace and ease. My decision has already been made, now all i need to do is to obey. When i try to influence my submission, drive it to meet my needs and wants, then i grab at control, and although it is hard for me to give up control, i am always happier when i do. The times that You have pushed me hard, pushed at my limits, at my edges, forced me to do and say things that are hard for me, things that i do not want, things that are to meet Your needs and Your wants – those have been the times when i have most felt my submission, most felt the peace and beauty and calm. Maybe not in the moment, but afterwards, when i feel so much closer to You and so much more transformed by You.

Pretty picture, pretty paragraph

i love You completely and utterly. You infuse my every thought, every minute of my day. Your love for me and my love for You fills me, and fulfills me. i’m never happier than when i am making You happy – Your pleasure is vital to my own. i want and need to give You my whole self, and watch as You return it to me remade.

A meditation on patience and my place

I’ve been feeling a little off my game these past couple days. Master and i had exchanged a few emails Friday morning, and then i headed into work, expecting that He would be around to chat some more when i got there. But He wasn’t. And i got all mopey and bereft because of it. i wanted His attention. Expected it. i wrote Him a whiny little email, and once He got back online, He responded with this:

You’re going to have to rely on your center and your submission during these times. You cannot expect me to be there for you; you’re there for me.

i recognized that i was not thinking like a submissive. i apologized to Him for behaving like a spoiled child. i knew i was out of line, and talked to him about my continuing difficulties around old patterns of self interest and control. But still i held on to that sentence, and it burned me. What do you mean, this isn’t all about me?

Master asked me to write a meditation for these times, one about knowing my place and remembering my submission. And i couldn’t do it. i started reading through old mantras and meditations and emails, and feeling like a failure as a submissive, since many of those mantras deal with the same problems on my part. (As my Master says – this is my “hard”.) i began to question why i was even bothering, since it was obviously futile that i would ever be a proper submissive. In short, i was spinning out of control.

But Master caught me, as He always does, and helped me break through this big mental block i was stuck in. When i woke up this morning, there was a long email from Him, reminding me of why i needed to do this, and instructing me to just take a first step – write a small meditation, without judging myself, without worrying about if it was “right.” And still i struggled. i could come up with lots of words, but none that i could buy into, none that i could believe in, especially when i was feeling this way. i stared at the blank page, and stared some more. Then, finally something came to me. Three short sentences, but it was enough.

My Master is thinking about me always. But sometimes serving him means waiting patiently, letting go of selfishness and anxiety. He will return to me, because he was never really gone.

i sent it off to Him, and got my next set of instructions. “There are three thoughts here, each in its own sentence. The first is about me. The second is about you. The third is about the future. Turn each one into a few sentences.”

i focused on my submission, focused on what i had already written, and did as He asked. He had me expand a little bit in some places, and then it was done. This simple task that had been making me miserable for two days was done, and out of it i had a beautiful meditation. And a return of the peace and calm that comes to me when i am really submitting to Him.

A meditation on patience and my place

i know that my Master holds a piece of me in His heart, and that i am never far from His thoughts. This is true even when He has other things He must attend to, other realities He must live in. And instead of being resentful and childish at those times, i need to be patient. My patience is in service to Him as much as any task He sets me or demand He makes of me. i submit to Him when i let go of feelings of selfishness and anxiety and instead focus on feeling my submission, and expressing that submission through patience and letting go. i find security and peacefulness when i remember that He will return to me, because He was never really gone.

My orgasms are for my Master and at the pleasure of my Master

As part of my correction for my orgasmic indiscretion last night, I had to type out the subject line of this post 50 times and send it to my Master. Than I had to write to him about why this was so important to my submission. Here’s what I wrote:

There’s a lot of tension in our relationship around my orgasms – when I have them, how I have them, who controls them. Always has been really, even before our D/s relationship began. It’s like they’re this huge potent symbol of something. All fueled by my orgasmic deficiencies – we’d be having very different conversations about this if I was one of those “come when he looks at me” types. But I’m not, so they become this focus of control, and I keep trying to retain that control. Because I may be submissive, but I’m also human and we’re talking about the center of pleasure. But my orgasms sit at the intersection of all these things I have agreed belong to you – my sex, my body, my mind – yet I fight giving control of them to you. Fear, selfishness, desire all get in my way. I have pledged to give you myself, and to do that I must give it all to you. No halfway measures, no increments. No more having my orgasms lurking as the elephant in the room – will she, won’t she? It shouldn’t matter, unless you want it to. It shouldn’t be about me. My orgasms are for my Master and at the pleasure of my Master. They are yours, to give or deny as you desire, because you own me, heart, body, soul.

As I think is obvious from what I wrote, orgasms are not easy for me. Never have been. And figuring out how to manage that within the context of this new type of relationship is an ongoing challenge. Maybe typing those words 50 times will help me remember them this time.

30 things

Earlier in the week, my Master assigned me a task – to give him 20 sentences, written in the form “I know I am submissive because.” After I finished those, he asked me to come up with 10 more. I complained a little bit about the immensity of the task – it was hard coming up with 30 different ways to describe my submission – but it ended up being a really wonderful thing to do, as it gave me an opportunity to really focus my thoughts on my submission over the course of a few days that were otherwise stressful.

Here then, are 30 of the ways I know I am a submissive.

1. I know I am submissive because being on my knees is intensely comforting and relaxing for me.

2. I know I am submissive because it fills me with joy when you give me a command.

3. I know I am submissive because I would rather not orgasm than have to take control of my own orgasm.

4. I know I am submissive because you are the last thing I think about at night and the first thing I think about in the morning.

5. I know I am submissive because I fantasize about curling up at your feet.

6. I know I am submissive because my cunt gets wet when I get an email or SMS from you, before I’ve even read it.

7. I know I am submissive because it is very painful to me when I disappoint you, and I can’t relax until I have been punished and forgiven.

8. I know I am submissive because you feed me tasty tidbits from your fingers and I feel treasured rather than embarrassed.

9. I know I am submissive because I want do anything and everything you ask of me.

10. I know I am submissive because I keep you in mind in all things, from the clothes that I wear to the way I phrase my responses to your emails.

11. I know I am submissive because I feel incomplete when I am speaking with you in an environment where I can’t address you as Sir.

12. I know I am submissive because my neck feels bare without your collar around it.

13. I know I am submissive because I am happier and more content now than I have ever been.

14. I know I am submissive because I trust you utterly and completely.

15. I know I am submissive because I actually do let go when you tell me to.

16. I know I am submissive because I need you to hurt me, and it makes me feel happy and owned to see your marks on my body.

17. I know I am submissive because the more control I give to you, the less I find I want or need to have any for myself.

18. I know I am submissive because I find in you my center, my reason for being.

19. I know I am submissive because I willingly submit to you, with my body, mind and heart.

20. I know I am submissive because when I go shopping for shoes, the ones I like are the ones I know you would like.

21. I know I am submissive because I’m so in tune with you that we think with the same brain.

22. I know I am submissive because I want to learn everything about you so that I can know how to please you.

23. I know I am submissive because I need your rules to guide me.

24. I know I am submissive because I feel intense shame when I realize I have done something wrong.

25. I know I am submissive because letting you take my breath away doesn’t frighten me (very much).

26. I know I am submissive because I want to be what you need me to be.

27. I know I am submissive because I learn something new about myself and my submission every day from you.

28. I know I am submissive because it makes me feel happy and secure to be surrounded by the clothes that you own.

29. I know I am submissive because you tell me that I am.

30. I know I am submissive because I want to be yours, always and forever.

Mantra for a stressful day

I am still owned. And my owner still loves me, even when he’s annoyed at me for not following his instructions, and even when he’s busy and I’m not hearing much from him. I love him, and he is my center, my everything. If I just focus on that, everything will be fine.